(It’s a snowy Saturday morning. I am waiting in line, directly behind a young woman and her little boy, who looks to be about six years old. The cashier is being friendly with him, and he is telling her all about the toy that was just purchased for him. His mother tells him it’s time to go, and then:)

Cashier: “Have a great day and drive safely!”

Mom: “Have a nice day.”

Boy: “We WILL drive safely.” *pause* “Unless Mom goes like ‘aaaahh!’” *mimes looking shocked and stepping on the brakes*

Mom: “[Boy]!” *hastily rushes him out of the store as I snicker*

(A stranger and I are applying for a job as probation officers in a rural county with a fairly notorious drug problem. Because we both missed the previous exam, we have to take a makeup one in the office. While we wait by the elevator for the time to arrive, a young couple with signature grayed and rotted teeth show up.)

Meth-head Guy: “You two here for probation?”

Me: “Yeah. Up here, right?”

Fellow Applicant: “Uh-huh.”

Meth-head Girl: “What are you on for?”

Me: “Well, uh, the exam.”

Fellow Applicant: “Yeah, we’re gonna—”

Meth-head Girl: “Oh, you’re here to BE probation officers?”

Meth-head Guy: “Ah, heck, we can’t talk to you!”

(They moved away from us.)

(I am in an advanced biology course with a friendly and generally awesome teacher who, while great at teaching, always gives difficult tests. We all usually do at least decently, until we get to the section on the human heart.)

Teacher: “For most exams, you guys don’t do that badly, but this was not one of them. If in the future I ever need heart surgery and I look up and see that you’re my surgeon, I am running screaming from the room.”

This story is part of our Teacher Appreciation Week roundup!

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(A guy and I have just had a rather good date, and we’re back at his apartment.)

Me: “Hey, cute cat.”

Guy: “She’s not terribly friendly, but if you don’t bother her she won’t bother you.”

(We stay up talking for a while longer, and the cat won’t leave the room. Eventually…)

Guy: “I’d really like to kiss you.”

Me: “I’d like that.”

(He leans in… and the cat begins to growl like a beast possessed.)

Me: “Umm… is your cat seriously jealous of me?!”

Guy: “She’s a little, uh, clingy sometimes, yes.”

(I am a woman in an open relationship with two men. I’ve been dating Boyfriend #1, who is openly polyamorous, for four years. I’ve been with Boyfriend #2, who isn’t poly, for two years, but he is okay with me dating Boyfriend #1. They’ve known each other for longer than either has known me. The following happens while discussing my future plans with Boyfriend #2. When we first got together, he admitted to being jealous of Boyfriend #1.)

Me: “Well, I remember you saying before that you’d rather we be monogamous if we got more serious…”

Boyfriend #2: “No, that’s dumb. I have exactly zero hard feelings for [Boyfriend #1] and I’m way over that. If you decide to fly across the country and bang it out with him for the weekend, I don’t blame you.”

Me: “Seriously?”

Boyfriend #2: “No jealousy, not anymore. More of a ‘huh. Okay, did you have fun?’ thing. If I swung that way, I’d do the same!”

Me: *texting Boyfriend #1* “Congrats you’re [Boyfriend #2]’s ‘if I had to pick a dude.'”

Boyfriend #1: “If I swung that way, I’d let him!”