(It’s the last Friday before Christmas and I have just made the final closing announcements.  A woman and her granddaughter walk in with one minute on the clock to do a return.)

Customer: *reading from receipt* “If you are dissatisfied with your purchase please return the item with this receipt for a refund.”

(I look in the box, and immediately call for a manager. The contents? An open bag of modeling clay and a brand name cake decorating icing tip.)

Me: “I’m sorry; I’ll need a manager to approve this return.”

Customer: *repeats previous statement several times*

Me: *smiles awkwardly*

(When my manager finally arrives, she is as shocked as I am, and hesitant to do the return.)

Customer: *raises voice* “I demand a full refund! The clay wouldn’t pipe like icing!”

Me: *reciting from back of receipt* “We reserve the right to research and refuse any return.”

Customer: “Why would you refuse it!?! I’m not happy with it so you have to return it.”

Me: “You mixed modeling clay with a cake decorating tip!”

Customer: “So?!”

Manager: “I’ll return the clay, but not the tip. You don’t have the original packing for it anyway.”

Customer: “This is ridiculous! Fine!! But I want your corporate number!”

(Not the weirdest return I’ve been forced to do, but probably the most insulting.)

Me: “That’ll be [total].”

Customer: *looks through purse* “Oh… I seem to be short five dollars. I’m sure God wouldn’t mind if you looked the other way on that.”

Me: “I think God would understand I could get fired for ‘looking the other way,’ so why can’t you?”

Me: *on the phone with a manager* “Hey, I have a guy here who wants me to give him ten dollars off, because he saw it lower two weeks ago… Uh huh. Uh huh. Right. Okay, thanks.” *hangs up phone* “Unfortunately, my manager won’t honor the price you saw, but maybe it will be that price again in a few weeks fro—”

Customer: *bangs fist on countertop* “God wouldn’t stand for this!”

Me: “I think God would understand that we’re in a recession…”

(The store I work for is famous for finding music and DVDs for customers who aren’t always certain what it is they’re looking for. As a result, we often end up special ordering for many customers, and the policy is to call to inform the customer when their order has arrived in store. If no one answers, staff are encouraged to leave a message, but sometimes customers call back anyway to let us know they’re coming in or just to ask questions. Sometimes, though, they just call because we did first…)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Music Store]; you’re speaking with [My Name].”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hello, how can I help you?”

Customer: “…Who is this?”

Me: “[My Name] from [Music Store]. Did you have an enquiry?”

(There’s a long pause in which the customer doesn’t say anything.)

Me: “Hello? Are you still there?”

Customer: “Why did you… What do you mean?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Why would I have an enquiry?”

Me: “I only meant… What was your reason for calling today?”

Customer: “I didn’t call you.”

(It dawns on me where the confusion must be coming from.)

Me: “You… did you have a missed call from this number, by chance? My coworker might have been calling about an order you placed.”

Customer: “What order?”

Me: “Have you placed an order with us recently? If you give me your name I can check the order for you.”

Customer: *gives surname*

Me: “Ah, yes, here it is. Your order for [Title] came in this morning. We were just calling to let you know.”

Customer: “You can do that?!”

Me: “All the time, sure. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “…Don’t call here again.” *click*

(I work for a group coupon website. As an April Fool’s joke, we post an online advert for an obviously fake perfume, with ingredients like “anger” and “crushed hopes and dreams.” On top of that, it costs R10,420, or about $861. Obviously, when they click the BUY button, it shows the price as R0. More than 2,000 people “purchase” it, but we have more than a couple of calls that go like this:)

Me: “Hi, thanks for calling [Company]. What can I help you with today?”

Customer: “Yeah, I’d just like to find out how you’re going to ship my [Fake Perfume]? It didn’t ask me for an address.”

Me: “Oh. Ma’am, that perfume isn’t real… It’s an April Fool’s joke.”

Customer: “No, it’s not. There’s a photo of the bottle on the website.”

Me: “Yes, one of our graphic designers made that.”

Customer: “Really? I thought it was a real perfume. Please cancel my order.”

Me: “But, ma’am, you didn’t actually pay for anything.”

Customer: “It’s fine. Just cancel my order, please. I thought it was real.”

Me: “…”

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