(I am working my delivery route and stop at a red light before turning right. The guy ahead of me makes the turn and stops at the end of the line of cars. I check to make sure the coast is clear, make the turn, and come to a complete stop well before the guy’s bumper. Suddenly the guy in front of me looks back, looks me dead in the eyes, and shifts into reverse, guns the motor, surges backward, and rams my front bumper. Of course, he gets out screaming and yelling about his neck and about how he’s going to sue me for every penny I’m worth for ramming him.)

Me: *totally calm* “That’s not what happened, and you know it.”

Man: “Oh, yeah? And who’s going to believe that I put my car in reverse to hit YOU?”

(I just smiled calmly. The police arrive, and statements are given. The whole time the guy is ranting and raving about how he’s sustained an injury from my reckless driving. I remain calm throughout the entire thing, even going back to the car to retrieve a small item to hand to the cops.)

Man: “HEY! What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Are you seriously trying to bribe the f****** COPS?!”

Me: “Not at all. I was simply handing them the memory card to my dash cam.”

(The driver went dead white. Long and the short of it? He got in trouble for fraud and several other driving charges…)

Student #1: “Oh, I love Sherlock!”

Student #2: “Yeah! I am not sure which book is my favorite…”

Student #1: “There are books about Sherlock?!”

(During gym/phys-ed one day, I injure my neck. It turns out to be a minor pinched nerve which, to this day, causes muscle spasms a few times a year. However, at the time it was only slightly aggravating as long as I kept my head tilted at a certain angle when it flared up. I warn all my teachers about it as I have to prop my head up, but one substitute apparently didn’t believe me.)

Substitute: “Wake up, [My Name]!”

Me: “I am awake. My neck really hurts right now and I’m just holding it up.”

Substitute: “Stop making things up. If you were hurt you’d go to the nurse.”

Me: “It’s literally a spinal problem. The nurse’s non-name-brand aspirin isn’t going to help.”

Substitute: “Just sit up!”

(I sit back up for a few minutes, but soon the spasms and pain get to be too much and I rest my head on my hand again.)

Substitute: “[My Name]! Up!”

Me: “I can’t! I’m listening. I’m writing notes but I literally can’t lift my head up!”

Substitute: “You were doing it fine before. Just put up with it now!”

(Knowing I just have to deal with this for the day I try again, but it’s less than five minutes before I have my head in my hand again, trying to fight back tears from the pain. At this point the teacher walks up, and shouts right in my ear.)

Substitute: “WAKE UP, [My Name]! NOW!”

(Obviously not expecting this I jumped in shock, which pulled my neck worse, and I shouted out in pain louder than he did. I didn’t even ask for permission; I got up and went out to the nurse’s office, who thankfully was more sympathetic and gave me a double-dose of aspirin, which really only kept me from crying for the rest of the day. The next day I was called from homeroom to the principal’s office, because apparently the substitute tried to write me up for “disruptive behavior.” Thankfully, I had the injury on record and the other students vouched for me, so I never got in trouble. Also thankfully, I never personally saw that sub again!)

(I go to school in the South where we are sometimes a bit sloppy in pronouncing words. My classmate has a very country accent and is sometimes hard to understand. Our English teacher, who grew up in Ohio, is attempting to give us diction lessons.)

Teacher: *to classmate* “Please repeat, ‘The photograph is on the phonograph.'”

(He has a very difficult time of it. Finally, in exasperation, he says:)

Classmate: “The pitcher is on the record player”

(Since it’s less than a month until school lets out and most of us are bored and just want summer vacation to come, pretty much everyone spends their time browsing the Internet. The teacher constantly nags us on this but doesn’t really enforce it.)

Teacher: “I know most of you aren’t actually working on your reports right now and I’d like to point out that if you don’t do the report here you’re going to have to work on it at home and I’m sure you have other things you’d rather do after school.”

(She walks through the rows of computers and observes how nearly everyone is playing the same online flash game, and stops when she notices me diligently typing away in a Word document.)

Teacher: “See guys, [My Name] is working hard on her report! You all should take after her example and start working on yours!”

(When she walks away, my best friend leans over to look at what I’m typing.)

Friend: “Miss, she’s just typing the words to Enter Sandman and (Don’t Fear) The Reaper over and over again…”

Me: “Shh! I’m trying to look like I’m actually doing work!”