(My mom’s friend is a receptionist at a small medical clinic. When you call them, there is a message instructing you to call 911 or go to the emergency room immediately if this is an emergency, a fact which is greatly emphasized since some people tend to ignore that, followed by about two minutes of information in the event that it isn’t. My mom’s friend is talking to a patient when the phone rings and she can’t answer immediately.)

Friend: *into the phone* “Hello, please hold for a moment.”

Caller: “Okay, take your time. It’s not an emergency.”

(Five minutes later, she finally finishes talking and picks the phone back up.)

Friend: “[Medical Clinic], how may I help you?”

Caller: “So, my son just got hit by a car while crossing the street. He’s not dead, but he’s lying on the ground bleeding and I think his leg is broken. What do you think I should do?”

(I have just graduated from high school, and my plans are to become a mortician; however, some members of my family don’t like to admit this, and if asked they usually lie. Note: in this story the conversation is somewhat vague. A random lady I do not know comes up to me.)

Random Lady: “You’re [My Name], aren’t you?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Random Lady: “I was talking to [Relative] and I heard about your career plans. Sounds interesting.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. Thank you.”

Random Lady: “So tell me, what brings you to this profession?”

Me: *trying to not get into fully fledged details with a stranger at a wedding* “Well, I feel I can be of service to people. Plus, it is not a profession everyone wants to get into, and frankly I am not afraid of it.”

Random Lady: “What’s to be afraid of? Every woman has one.”

Me: *suddenly realizing she and I are not discussing the same profession* “Ma’am, if I may ask, what do you think I plan to do?”

Random Lady: “Well, exactly what [Relative] said. You’re going to be a gynecologist aren’t you?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid you’ve been given incorrect information. I am becoming a mortician, not a gynecologist.”

Random Lady: “Ewww, god, why the h***?!” *runs off*

(That’s why it’s important to tell the truth and be specific, people.)

(I am a 26-year-old-female renting a room of a house. There are five of us in all; a female roommate my age, her boyfriend, a male roommate in his fifties, the older roommate’s brother, and me. Now, we have had trouble in the past with the two older gentlemen being inappropriate now and then. Nothing too serious; mostly dirty jokes and some lewd flirting whenever the older roommate has had a few too many. On this day the older roommate has been drinking. He was nice and made some soup for us all, so when he asked me to bring him drinks while he was soaking in the hot tub I thought I’d be nice in return and get them for him if I wasn’t busy. All of a sudden at midnight I hear him yelling my name and go to investigate.)

Older Roommate: “Hey, [My Name], I’m too f***** up. I need you to help me to bed.”

(I paused at this point and looked him over. He was lucid enough, not slurring his words, and didn’t seem too bad.)

Me: “Are you naked?” *he was in the hot tub with the jets going so I thankfully couldn’t see anything below the waist*

Older Roommate: “Yes, of course.”

Me: “Uhm…” *I’m stunned and extremely uncomfortable, trying not to insult him because I have no where else to go* “Could you put your shorts on first?”

Older Roommate: “Huh?” *pretending he doesn’t understand me*

Me: “Shorts. Can you put your shorts on?”

Older Roommate: “What? Huh? I need you to carry me to bed.”

Me: *I realize I’m not getting anywhere here and take a deep breath* “Let me go get [Roommate’s Boyfriend].”

Older Roommate: *suddenly frowns* “No, it’s fine. I’ll be okay.”

Me: “Are you sure? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Older Roommate: “No. I’m fine.”

Me: “Promise?”

Older Roommate: “Promise.”

(At this point I go back to my room and play a couple video games, trying to shake the whole thing off. I check later and he has made it to bed safely so I go to bed as well. The next morning I finally notice he has texted me.)

Older Roommates Text: “Okay, I asked you for help and you tried to put me off on someone else… I have been nothing but good to you… I don’t want you; you’re not even in my league. I think you should move. Total bullshit. I’ve always been so good to you.”

(I was mortified. Not only did he pretend to be drunk to try and get me to carry him fully naked to bed, he was now berating me because I was uncomfortable at the thought of having a fully grown naked man hanging all over me, not to mention insulting me. I begin to wonder if he really intend to try something. Needless to say, I started looking for a new place to live along with the other female roommate and her boyfriend.)

Complete Stranger: “Your hair is fantastic! I’ve never seen ringlets so perfect outside of a movie.”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

(I don’t know if she genuinely thought that, or if she’d caught herself staring at my wheelchair and was trying to cover it up, but it was one of the nicest things that anyone said to me that week.)

(We are having a loud and passionate discussion about whether Nick Carraway, from “The Great Gatsby” is gay.)

Teacher: “Guys!”

Student #1: “He totally is crushing on Gatsby.”

Teacher: “This isn’t what we’re supposed to be talking about. We aren’t learning queer theory this semester.”

Student #2: “But—”

Teacher: *at the top of his lungs* “I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!”

(Entire class stops and turns to look at him.)

Teacher: “That was all I had to do to get your attention?”