(After I have a coughing fit and ‘don’t hack up a lung’ comments are made.)

Me: “What would we do if I actually coughed up a lung?”

Mom: “We’d go to the hospital.”

Dad: *at same time* “Ah, we’d just pick it up, dust it off, and shove it back in.”

(My brother and I both like to sleep with our cats. One evening, to be different, my brother sleeps with my cat. The next morning, he is grumbling to me. )

Brother: “[My Name], your cat woke me up.”

Me: “How?”

Brother: “She knocked my glass of water on me.”

Me: “Was this at six?”

Brother: “Yeah.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry [Brother], but [Cat] is my alarm clock! She wakes me up at six for classes!”

(My brother no longer tries to sleep with my cat in his room again.)

(I’m chatting with my sister and the challenge I’ve started comes up. I’ve decided to run the distance between Hobbiton to Rivendell from Lord of the Rings by the end of October. It’s 458 miles.)

Sister: “So how are you going to do this?”

Me: “Just running every day. Right now it’s four times a week and I’m going to jump to five times a week soon.”

Sister: “I mean how are you going to run there? I mean, that’s a looooong time!”

Me: “I’m seeing how close I can get by the end of October. I’m not doing it all at once! I’m ticking off miles as I go!”

Sister: “Oh! I thought, ‘Do you camp at night? Then run some more?'”

Me: “You thought I was just going to Forrest Gump it and leave [Husband] and [Daughter]?!”

This story is part of our Lord Of The Rings roundup!

Read the next Lord Of The Rings roundup story!

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(When a popular kids’ cartoon video series has a new DVD out with one of the main characters in an Indiana-Jones-like outfit, I make sure the 4-foot tall cardboard cutout of this character in the middle of the sales floor is full of DVDs. A customer approaches the counter.)

Customer: “Excuse me, do you have the new [Series Name] DVD?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. The large cardboard cucumber over there is holding it for you.”

(My friend jumped my dead battery last night so I could get home, and suggested I go to a local car parts place that’s known for testing car parts. It’s been raining but it’s really just a drizzle at the moment I’m there and have it checked.)

Car Parts Dude: “It’s not saying your battery is dead. It’s saying it needs a charge. The starter and alternator are fine. A full battery charge takes around three hours.”

Me: “Okay, let me check with my friend. I think he has a charger.”

(I text my friend, who advises me that a charge isn’t the way to go because the battery will just die again. So, I tell the dude I want to buy a battery. I’ve seen the huge signs outside that read FREE BATTERY INSTALLATION with purchase.)

Car Parts Dude: “I’m sorry, but company policy says we can’t work on cars when it’s raining.”

(I text my friend again and he reminds me of another car place — one with service bays — less than 200 yards away. I drive over there.)

Car Service Guy: “So, what brings you in?”

Me: “My battery’s dying, and I would like to get a new one. I was just up the street to have it tested, and they said they can’t install it for me because it’s raining.”

Car Service Guy: *blinks and shakes his head* “Okay, then.”

(Thank you to the car service place! I know I paid an installation fee with you, but it was worth getting taken care of today!)