Zombies Need Lawyers Too

| Right | June 17, 2011

Me: “Ma’am, unfortunately we are waiting on your prescriber to contact the pharmacy because parts of your prescription were unclear.”

Customer: “Are you telling me my prescription is not ready?”

Me: “Yes, it is not ready.”

Customer: “Well, if I die, I’m suing you!”

 

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Lowering The Toner

| Right | June 17, 2011

Customer: “I want a printer that doesn’t take ink.”

Me: “You mean, like a laser printer that takes toner?”

Customer: “No, I want one that you don’t have to put ink in.”

Me: “As in, you never need to replace the cartridges?”

Customer: “Exactly.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. That’s not possible.”

Customer: “Why not?”

Me: “Conservation of mass?”

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Contractions Speak Louder Than Words, Part 3

, | Right | June 17, 2011

(I’m working in the dresses and handbags department. A rushed couple comes up with three items.)

Husband: “We’d just like these, please.”

Me: “Okay, just let me scan those for you.”

Husband: “Wait–that bag is supposed to be $20, not $29.99.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but these are not on markdown. The price is clearly marked on the tag.”

Husband: “It was on a $20 rack.”

Me: “I’m really sorry. I worked in luggage last week, and these are brand new. They are not marked down.”

Husband: “Fine, whatever.”

Wife: “Dear…”

Me: “I can call up to check, if you’re concerned.”

Husband: “I don’t have time for that.”

Me: “Do you have any coupons today?”

Husband: “We have a $20 off coupon.”

Me: “Okay, but these items are excluded on the back. Also, you’re short from the eligible purchase amount by a penny. I can call up and see if management will approve it anyway.”

Husband: “We don’t have time for that. My wife is in labor!”

(I look at the wife, who is, in fact, having visible contractions.)

Me: “Sir! You should be at the hospital! Why are you shopping?”

Husband: “It was on the way, and I needed a duffel bag for a trip next week! Now hurry it up!”

Me: “Sir, you need to take your wife to the hospital immediately!”

Husband: “I want to pay for this first! I need a duffel bag!”

Me: “Sir, I can put this on hold in your name. It will be here when you get back. Your wife needs medical care!”

Husband: “Forget the coupon, then. I’ll just pay with the store credit card.”

(I begin ringing him through as quickly as possible.)

Customer: “Wait! Shouldn’t there be a card-use discount?”

Me: “Not today, sir.”

Husband: “D*** it! Cancel it. I’ll use my debit!”

Me: “Sir, your wife is in labor. If you’re not willing to resolve this quickly and talk to management about your card complaints later, you should leave now and take her to the hospital immediately.”

Wife: “Honey, we have to go!”

Husband: “Fine! See if I ever shop here again! You people are killing my wife over a duffel bag!”


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Lights Aren’t The Only Thing A Bit Dim

| Right | June 17, 2011

(Two customers come in and stand for a minute looking at the menu.)

Me: “Hi, what can I get you today?”

Customer #1: “Jeez, you guys need to turn on some more lights in here! I can barely see the menu!”

(There is an extended pause as his friend and I stare at him.)

Customer #2: “Maybe because you’re still wearing your sunglasses?”

(He pauses, and then takes off the sunglasses.)

Customer #1: “Oh.”

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Childs-pay

| Right | June 17, 2011

Customer: “Okay, so do you take credit card?”

Me: “Of course we do. We take Visa, Mastercard, American Express, first born child…you know, the usual.”

Customer: “Trust me, you do not want my first born child. He’s 41 and way too much of a liability for your company.”

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