A Hold Day In Hell

| | Right | March 2, 2008

(An extremely difficult older customer was waiting on hold to speak to me while I was on the line with another customer. He impatiently hung up several times and called back as though terrorizing the receptionists would get him on the phone with me any faster.)

Me: “Sorry to keep you holding, how can I help you?”

Older male customer: “I demand that you remove that hold music immediately because I refuse to listen to it! I also don’t appreciate waiting! I’m very busy and don’t have the time to waste to talk to you!”

Me: “I’m apologize for the inconvenience, but I was on the line with another customer.”

Him: “Now I’m going to waste your time by staying on the line so you can’t take any other calls!”

Me: “Okay…”

Him: “…”

Me: “…”

(The silence continues for another pointless several seconds.)

Him: “Let me speak to the owner!”

Me: “Alright, he’s on the other line so it’ll just be a moment.”

Him: “NO, I don’t want to be put on hold! I want to speak to him NOW! Just write on a piece of paper that LEONARD ***** is on the phone and go in his office and wave it in front of his face.”

(I put him on hold and he immediately hangs up and calls back screaming about having to wait. I try to transfer the call to the owner but he hangs up as soon as he’s put on hold and the cycle repeats itself.)

Me: “Sir, I -have- to put you on hold in order to transfer the call.”

Him: “No, just transfer the call without putting me on hold!”

Me: “I’m sorry but that’s physically impossible…”

Him: “I don’t care! Do it anyway!”

Me: *sigh*

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Keeping Up Appearances

| | Right | March 2, 2008

(I was working a children’s show at this theatre and this woman was helping a child with special needs. I was closing the theatre when she came running up to me.)

Woman: “I think I left my phone inside the theatre. Can I just go check?”

(I let her inside and we begin looking where she had been sitting; neither of us could find it. At this point she was on her knees sitting up, digging through her pockets.)

Woman: “Where the hell could it have…”

(She freezes and pulls her phone out of her pocket, which she then looks at and THROWS IT UNDER A SEAT. She then bends over and grabs it.)

Woman: “I found it! Thank you so much.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “You’re welcome.”

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The Dead Speak … And Book Hotel Rooms, Too

| | Right | March 2, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling Guest Relations, this is ********. How can I assist you today?”

Guest: “I need to cancel my reservation I had a death in the family, and I won’t be able to make it.”

Me: “I’m certainly sorry to hear about that. I can contact the hotel for you and see if they would be willing to cancel the reservation without penalty. Can you give me the confirmation number?”

(Just then his wife is in the back ground yelling at him trying to take the phone away. She was calling him a liar and telling him that he was going to h*** if he did not tell me the truth. Just then she gets on the phone and says…)

Guest’s Wife: “I’m really sorry, but my husband is a liar and there was no death in the family. He made a mistake and booked the wrong hotel, and he doesn’t have the balls to admit it.”

Me: “Oh! Well then, yeah…”

Guest’s Wife: “I have told him not to do it, but he did.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our policies and procedure for this rate are very strict. I would not be able to cancel the reservation for you without a penalty.”

Guest’s Wife: “SO YOU’RE A LIAR TOO!!! You told my husband you would see if you can cancel without a penalty and now you can’t! BULLSH*T!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to ask you to watch your language. We can contact the hotels if its an emergency. But we can never guarantee that it will be cancelled without a penalty for you. I advised that I would ask for you–”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE THEN! IF IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY THEN I DIED JUST TELL THEM THAT. I’M SURE THEY WOULD CANCEL THAT THEN. RIGHT!?”

Me: “But ma’am you can’t be dead–I am talking to you. I’m sorry…I can’t cancel the reservation for you. If I do you will be charged.”

Guest’s Wife: “YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON! YOU DONT CARE IF WE DIED! I DEMAND A REFUND OF THIS. NOW.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I’m not able to assist at this time, so you guys have a great day.”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE THEN! THIS WAS POINTLESS. Thanks for nothing you heartless b***h.”

Me: “You have a great day!”

(This person was the laughing stock of the day. She had the nerve to call back 4 times and try to convince some one to cancel the reservation for her with the same sob story again. Some people…)

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Alls Well That Ends Well In Roswell

| Right | March 1, 2008

(I worked at a sign making company in Vancouver–AKA Hollywood North–that did a lot of work for locally produced sci-fi TV shows like The X-Files. We did a lot of signage that said things like “FBI Headquarters” that they would use to make a local library look like some kind of secret government research facility.)

Movie Set B*tch: “OMG! We need a TEAK sign that says FBI headquarters down here at the set in three hours.”

(Note: This job normally takes one person several days to complete with staining and whatnot.)

Me: “Okay. We can do it but we’re going to have to charge you triple for a rush job.”

MSB: “No problem. Just have it down here in three hours. I don’t care how much it costs.”

Me: “Just to confirm. You want it stained to look like teak, yes?”

MSB: “Yes. Please hurry!”

(We get the sign done in 2.5 hours but we’re literally applying the last coat of stain to it while we drive to the studio to make sure it looks good when we get there.)

(MSB Looks at the sign and throws a fit.)

MSB: “I SAID TEAK! TEAK! TEAK! TEAK!”

(I look around. The whole set is done in mahogany. Very different colour of wood, if you’re not familiar.)

Me: *points at the mahogany set* “Do you mean this colour?”

MSB: “YES! TEAK!”

Me: “That’s mahogany”.

MSB: “F*CK YOU, YOU LITTLE SH*T. YOU’RE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS IF IT PUTS US OFF SCHEDULE!”

(MSB storms off to find the director. The director comes around, looking pissed.)

Director: “What’s the problem?”

(MSB tells him how stupid we are and that she specifically asked for teak. The director looks at the set and at our sign.)

Director, to MSB: “God d*mnit, you’re dumb! The set is mahogany. You were supposed to order mahogany signs!”

MSB: *looks like she’s going to barf*

(The director apologized to us and asked us how fast we could re-make the sign. We told him 2 hours but it was going to cost them.)

(On the bright side, we got to have lunch with Scully and Mulder.)

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Those Pesky Twin Brothers

| | Right | March 1, 2008

(I am calling customers with overdue movies to remind them that they are due back.)

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi, this is Lynne up at Movie M**** and I was just calling to remind you that The Bourne Identity and Barnyard were both due back about 6 days ago. So, if you could get those back to–”

Customer: “I told the guy that called last night I didn’t rent those movies!”

Me: “Well, sir, I can give you the exact time and date they were rented, if that would help you remember…”

Customer: “And when the hell did I supposedly rent these movies?”

Me: “Wednesday, the 23rd at 7:13 pm.”

Customer: “I didn’t rent them! I was out of the country last week!”

Me: “Sir, do you have a brother?”

Customer: “No, I don’t have a brother! Why in the hell do you want to know that?!”

Me: “Because if you were out of the country then it must be your twin brother on the security tape renting those movies.”

(Customer sputters for a moment.)

Me: “If you can get those back to us before we close tonight at 10 pm, there will be no further late charges.”

Customer: “Okay.” *hangs up*

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