About To Be A War Of The Roses

, , , , | Right | May 19, 2011

(The customer is purchasing a large bouquet of flowers.)

Me: “Wow! That’s a big arrangement. Is it a birthday, anniversary or apology?”

Customer: “I slept with my girlfriend’s sister last night.”

Me: “I’m going make you up something bigger with more roses. There’s a gourmet chocolate shop down the road.”

Customer: “Thanks.”


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A Mother’s Love Is Priceless, For Everything Else There’s Credit Cards

, , , , , | Right | May 19, 2011

(A little girl walks up to me and my coworker. She is crying.)

Me: “Oh, honey. What’s wrong?”

Girl: “I can’t find my mom.”

Me: “Well, I can page over the speaker for her. What’s her name?”

(She gives me the name. My coworker gets a description of her mother as I page. When it’s a lost child, all we say is ‘We have something of yours’ for safety reasons. This is to make sure the child does go with their actual parent.)

Girl: “I think she left.”

Coworker: “No, she didn’t. She’s probably looking for you.”

Girl: “She said she was going to leave me if I didn’t keep up.”

Me: “She didn’t mean it. Don’t worry, she’ll be here.”

(We get the girl to talk about her school and dog to keep her mind off how scared she is. It is the longest we have waited for a parent to come. Her mother finally gets there, and stops as soon as she sees her daughter.)

Mother: “Oh, you! I thought I lost my credit card. Well, come on already! You’ve slowed me down enough.”

(The girl quietly walks over to her mother.)

Mother: *to me* “Next time, just say it’s my daughter so I know not to rush!”

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Milking A Complaint For All It Weighs

, , , , , | Right | May 18, 2011

(I’m checking out an older woman at the register.)

Customer: “Can you bag these light for me?”

Me: “Sure thing.”

(After several bags worth of items, she has no complaints. I then ring up a gallon of milk for her, and place it in its own bag.)

Customer: *angrily* “Did you not hear me earlier? I asked for these bags to be light. Do you want me to break my arm?”

Me: “Ma’am, there is only one item in that bag.”

Customer: “You’re trying to break my arm! Supervisor! I need a supervisor right now!”

Supervisor: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: “He’s trying to kill me! I asked for light bags, and he made this one too heavy. He refuses to redo it!”

Supervisor: “Ma’am, there is only a gallon of milk in that bag. Would you like him to pour out half of the milk for you? That is the only way I see to make that bag lighter.”

Customer: “I’m calling your manager and getting both of you fired. You belong in h*** for trying to kill me!”


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In Urgent Need Of A Monolith

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2011

(A patron has called about extending her borrowing time on a DVD. She is renting “2001: A Space Odyssey”.)

Caller: “I’d really like to get this for a little longer. I live far from the library, and won’t be able to get it back on time.”

Me: “Well, the staff member that handles the loans is not in today. I can take your name and phone number, and have her get back to you.”

Caller: “Oh, that would be just great. I really need to watch this movie because I’m going into space.”

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There Is No Meat But Where Is The Proof

, , , , | Right | May 18, 2011

Customer: “Is your ice cream vegetarian?”

Me: “Well, there’s no meat in it. It does have milk in, so it’s not suitable for vegans.”

Customer: “Yes, but is it vegetarian? You know, does it have alcohol in it?”


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