(I’m at a friend’s house. Her roommate comes up to me.)

Roommate: “Want to see my lady bits?”

(Turns out, she just had surgery, and they took a picture of her ovaries. I was relating this to my girlfriend later on.)

Girlfriend: “Oh, she likes you.”

(Students #1 and #2 are senior boys, acting like they want to start a fight in class.)

Teacher: “Guys, can y’all please not fight in my class?”

Student #1: “Why? What are you going to do about it?”

Teacher: “I just really don’t want to do all the paperwork if y’all fight in my room. Can y’all at least wait until later?”

Student #2: “The paperwork? That’s why you don’t want us to fight?”

Teacher: “Yeah. A couple of years ago some students fought in my class, and I was still finishing up reports a week later. I don’t have time for that right now, so can you wait to fight?”

Student #1: “Okay, miss. We like you, so we can do this after class on the patio.”

Student #2: “Yeah, that’ll work.”

Teacher: “No, they’ll just look at your schedules and see that you both came from my class and I’ll still have to talk to the administrators about why I didn’t see trouble coming. You’ll have to wait a little longer. Maybe go off campus?”

Student #1: “Fine. After school in the park?”

Student #2: “No, I have to go to work right after school? Saturday?”

Teacher: “Just a reminder… prom is on Saturday.”

Student #1: “Next weekend?”

Student #2: “Sure.”

Teacher: “Nope… senior trip.”

Student #1: “Right after graduation?”

Teacher: “If you fight then, you won’t get to go to Project Graduation and you won’t get to win money and prizes.”

Student #1: “Oh, yeah. We don’t want to miss that.”

Student #2: “How about the week after graduation?”

Student #1: “I’m joining the navy. I’ll be going off to basic training right after graduation.”

Student #2: “Well, when are we going to see each other again to do this?”

Teacher: “Class reunion?”

Student #1: “Okay. We’ll fight at the reunion.”

Student #2: “Sounds good. Class reunion.”

(They shook on it.)

(I am in fifth grade. We are reading about science and how certain dark and light colors heat faster than other colors. Teacher is choosing random students to read.)

Teacher: “[Student #1], please read from the paragraph with “The white sand…””

Student #1: *doesn’t have his textbook out* “The white sand… The white sand…”

(He proceeds rummaging around his desk and backpack for the book while everyone else laughs and snickers.)

(I am in my first semester of Law, during a human rights class. My teacher, who looks like Umbridge from Harry Potter, and who has been teaching like if we were grade-schoolers, comes with this definition of tolerance.)

Teacher: “Tolerance is to respect other people even if they are different from you. You need to tolerate others even if they have a different race, language, nationality, sexual orientation, ideas, or beliefs. Of course, we all know that Jesus Christ is the only and true savior, but you should still tolerate other people’s religion.”

(Needless to say, we were not learning in this one.)

(I’m in the choir at a prestigious all-female academy and the choir director at the time is known for being a serious stickler for the rules and a notorious hard ass. I have never once missed a rehearsal prior to this one, but due to my great-grandmother’s funeral, I had to miss one. I arrive at the next rehearsal the next week.)

Director: *giving me a cold stare* “Where were you last week? Missing rehearsal is unacceptable.”

Me: “I’m very sorry Mr. [Director] but my great grandmother passed away and I had to attend her funeral. The dean has a note excusing me from classes and rehearsal that day.”

Director: “I don’t care if it’s YOUR funeral. You need to be here.”

Me: “…Yes, sir.”

(I made sure to inform my mother that if I died anytime soon, she needed to make sure my corpse was on time for rehearsal.)