(I study and do homework in my brother’s room as he has a large desk and high quality speakers. We are listening to my Spotify playlist when the song “American Boy” by Estelle and Kanye West comes on.)

Brother: “Is this Kanye West?”

Me: “Kanye West the Kanye Best.”

Brother: “Kanye West can only reach his Kanye Best once he takes a Kanye Rest in his Kanye Nest.”

Me: “Then he would be prepared to take the Kanye Test and go on the Kanye Quest.”

Brother: “To find the Kanye Chest sealed with the Kanye Crest.”

Me: “Let me guess, once he returns he will put on the Kanye Vest and party with Kanye Zest?”

Brother: “Indeed, for this is no Kanye Jest.”

(My daughter and I are the only two people in our household who like pickles. One day, I open the refrigerator to find a pickle jar with no pickles left in it.)

Me: “[Daughter], why is there a jar of pickle juice in the refrigerator?”

Daughter: “It’s not just juice. I left you pickle debris!”

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(I’m about six or seven years old, and my family ends up going to a basketball game at the local high school. During a pause in the game, the marching band plays. They are… not exactly on-key or in-sync. The adults around us are wincing, but trying to be supportive. My two-year-old sister looks around, and as soon as they’re done, innocently shouts:)

Sister: “IT WAS A NICE TRY!”

(The whole gymnasium cracked up. We still tease her about it.)

(My parents have just returned from a trip. Everywhere they go, my dad tries to get a discount. He is relating a story on his recent discount for a hotel.)

Dad: “So, I asked the guy if they had a AAA discount, and he said no. Then I asked about AARP, and he said no again. Finally I asked, ‘Well, what do you do for retired military personnel!’ He found a discount then!”

Sister:“Dad, you were never in the military! So, you got the LLPOF discount.”

Dad: “What’s that?”

Sister: “Liar Liar Pants on Fire.”

(I’m on a first date. Just as we are finishing our meal, a waiter walks by with a carafe of beer, stumbles, and drops it on me, soaking me from head to toe.)

Date: *staring in horror, afraid I’m going to start screaming* “Are you okay?”

Me: *laughing too hard to respond, I just wave my hands at him*

(I get napkins handed me from tables all around – because the waiter has run off – and dry off as best as I can. We make plans to walk around while I dry off, so I don’t soak my car. Then the bill arrives…)

Date: “Umm… you charged us full price?”

Waiter: “Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

Date: “Maybe because you soaked her in someone else’s beer?”

Waiter: “You didn’t complain. I can’t do anything about it.”

(We insist on speaking to a manager, who comes over.)

Manager: “I can’t give you a discount. Do you want some more rolls?”

Me: “No, we’re full. That’s why we asked for the bill.”

Manager: “Well, how about a free drink?”

Me: “No thanks, I already had one!”

(And yes, they charged us full price after all that. We found the owner on the way out and he blew us off, too.)