Caller: “Hi, I am looking for pricing quotes for my dog.”

Me: “All right, no problem. What is going on with your dog?”

Caller: “My dog can’t walk and I want [dangerous medication], and my current vet will not sell it to me without checking her blood work first, because it is potentially hazardous to her health. So I am switching vets!”

Me: “Well, our exam cost is [amount] but that only includes the exam, no diagnostics or medications. Once the doctor does her initial exam, we can get you a more accurate estimate based on what the DOCTOR recommends for your pet in order to get her the help she needs safely.”

Caller: “No, I am the paying customer. I tell the doctor what I want and they do it. That is how this works.”

Me: *speechless*

Caller: “I want an appointment. When can I be seen?”

Me: “Our earliest appointment would be tomorrow morning. Would you like me to schedule you in for that?”

Caller: “No, I want to be seen right now. Thank you for wasting my time!” *click*

(I have worked in a Thai restaurant for six years and never really came into a difficult customer before. I am training a friend of mine and watch her take a customer’s order on her own.)

Friend: *smiles* “Hello. Are you ready to order?”

Customer: “Yes, I would like Chicken Spicy Basil, but I do not want the spice in there.”

Friend: “I’m not sure that’s possible, ma’am.”

Customer: “Yes, it is. Just don’t add the spice to the dish. I don’t want any spice in there.”

Friend: “May I have a moment? I need to talk to the head waitress.”

(She comes over to me without a word, because I was listening. It was the strangest request I have ever received.)

Me: “Miss, we can’t take the spice out of the Spicy Basil sauce. It’s not possible once it’s already made.”

Customer: “Yes, it is, and I don’t want the spice in it at all. Figure it out for yourself.”

(Not knowing what to do, I went and talked to the cook, who was also my older cousin. She was really confused, but ended up using a different sauce for the dish. That customer gave us a bad review on some site, calling us liars and bad names, which actually caused no new customers to come in for a week.)

Customer: “I’d like to go to [Destination #1] today, then on to [Destination #2] tonight, then back here tomorrow.”

(I know that in order to get from Destination #1 to Destination #2, the customer will have to come back through here, so I sell her a here-to-Destination #1 return and a here-to-Destination #2 return.)

Customer: “Excuse me; this isn’t what I asked for!”

Me: “Sure it is, that will get you to [Destination #1] today, [Destination #2] tonight, and back to here tomorrow.”

Customer: “No! I wanted a single to [Destination #1] and then a [Destination #1] to [Destination #2] return! This is disgraceful customer service. You are useless at your job. You ought to be f***ing fired because you can’t even listen to what people want! You need re-training so you learn not to sell the wrong tickets and waste honest people’s money! How much have you overcharged me, so I can let your manager know how you’ve f***ing stolen from me!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’ve saved you £26.”

(The customer was left gaping while every other customer in the queue who’d heard every word started laughing at her. It was the most beautiful moment in my working life so far.)

(I work in an adult-themed store and it is my very first day after training. I am doing some cleaning after opening the store and my very first customer of the day comes in.)

Customer: “Hey, I’m looking for something fun for my girlfriend.”

Me: “Okay, well, we have a huge selection.”

Customer: *as I’m explaining a toy to him, he interrupts me* “How can you work here and not want to f*** all the time? Oh, hey, do you, haha, test out all the stuff here during downtime?”

Me: “Um. No. No.”

(A while later, I’m ringing him up, thanking him, etc.)

Customer: “I wanna buy you a vibrator. Can I buy you a vibrator?”

Me: “No. I’m married.”

(He leaves without incident, but a few hours later, he comes back, hands me a note, and leaves in a hurry. It said “My name’s [Name] and I think you’re really pretty. You should call or text me.”)

Me: *to myself* “Gee, I thought this guy had a GIRLFRIEND!”

(Over two months later during the Valentine’s Day rush, he comes back. He bought some stuff and left, but then came back a few hours later with his girlfriend!)

Customer: “See, I told you she was pretty!”

Me: “Um, thank you?”

Girlfriend: “Oh, my god, yes; are you married?”

Me: “Yes, I am. I’ve been married for a few years.”

(The girlfriend picks out a wig, which disturbingly is the only one in the store that’s the same color as my hair…)

Girlfriend: *turning to the woman behind her in the checkout line* “OMG, you’re gorgeous! Honey, just look at how beautiful this woman is!”

(At this point, she starts telling everyone else in the store to look at how beautiful this woman is, so I ring her up as quickly as possible and say goodbye. The woman behind them steps up.)

Woman: “The h*** was that?!”

Me: “I don’t even know. They’re crazy; I’m so sorry about that!”

Woman: “No, it’s okay, I just… I’m so confused! At least it was something nice she pointed out.”

(The insane couple insisted they were there all the time… I haven’t seen them since.)

(It is October of 1999. I am in the local fabric store with some friends, getting costuming stuff. We run across a woman buying up materials to make an Anakin Skywalker costume for her nine-year-old son who’s with her. He really, really likes “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace”; it is his favorite movie, and he has come to be a huge fan of “Star Wars”.)

Boy: “I’ve watched the original trilogy of films every week, and I’ve seen Episode I in theaters a dozen times and can’t wait for it to come out on tape!”

Mom: “I hope my boy grows up to be just like Anakin!”

(She then goes on to talk about what a great role model Anakin is for young boys and how she encourages her boy to be like Anakin… Cue the awkward pause and cringe by me and my friends.)

Me: “Uh, do you know that Anakin Skywalker grows up to be Darth Vader?”

Mom: “Don’t be crazy. You’re making that up. There’s no way sweet little Anakin could ever become evil like that. Besides, he doesn’t grow up to be Vader. They have different names, after all.”

Me: “These are prequels. They are set decades before the original films, right? Okay, the hero of the original films was Luke Skywalker, right? Okay, remember the ‘No, I am your father’ part that Vader says?”

(That is when it clicked for her. She’d never put it together. She got a look of abject horror on her face when she realized it was true. She grabbed her boy by the hand, dragging him out of the store, saying he was going to be something else for Halloween, he was not allowed to ever watch “Star Wars” ever again, and she was getting rid of all his “Star Wars” stuff because it was filled with such bad role models for children.)

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