(Salt Lake City has a rather extensive mass transit system that provides a direct link to the University of Utah. While riding one train through the city and heading home from the mall, I happen to see a number of students from the U all pile on. They’re pretty loud, having an obvious good time, right up to the point we near the next stop.)

Student #1: “Hey, he missed our turn!”

Student #2: “What, no way.”

Student #1: “Yeah, the d*** driver didn’t turn back there. Don’t they teach these idiots how to drive?”

Student #2: “Dude, it’s a bus. How smart do you have to be to drive it?”

Me: “Ah, just so you know, this isn’t a bus. It’s a streetcar. You know, a kind of train? They only go where the rails take it. No steering wheels. I wonder how smart you have to be then to get on a train and think it’s a bus. Wait, aren’t you in college?”

(Student #1 and #2 looked very sheepish, shut up and made no sound, and got off at the next stop and took off walking.)

(I am visiting Seattle on a business trip and waiting at the bus stop. While I and three other people are sitting there, a man in a black suit wanders over with a stack of papers.)

Man: “Excuse me, but would you all be willing to sign my petition?”

Me: “Uh… sure, I guess. What’s it for?”

Man: “My petition is to ask the government to send the Space Needle back to Mars where it rightfully belongs.”

(Dead silence from all four of us.)

Woman Next To Me: “What?”

Man: “You know that static that you hear on the radio sometimes? That’s all being filtered in through the radio waves by the Martians! They’re listening in on us as we speak! That atrocity is an antenna meant to spy on us and learn our weak points. We have to send it right back, immediately!”

Me: “And… you know this… how?”

Man: “They told me, of course.”

Me: “They”?

Man: “The movie They. It speaks to me. Look, are you gonna sign or not?

Me: “Uh… no, thanks.”

Man: “Oh, okay. Well, have a nice day!”

(We all watched him walk off whistling to himself. I never did figure out exactly what the heck he was talking about, but to this day, I’m fairly certain I’d just witnessed some sort of initiation rite.)

(My family had just gotten a new dog. As I was visiting in the next couple of days, I wanted to get some toys and treats to spoil her rotten. My roommate decides to help so we head out to the nearest pet shop. As we’re browsing the aisles…)

Roommate: “Hey, d’you wanna bone?”

(I turn around to see him holding a large meat bone from the shelf.)

Me: “Oh, definitely!”

(I put it in my basket and we keep browsing for a little longer until it hits me.)

Me: “Wait… that sounded wrong.”

Roommate: “What did?”

Me: “Er… nothing.”

(Cut to a couple of days later when I’m packing to go over my family’s house. He casually passes by the hall with a load of laundry before stopping and backing up to stick his head through my door.)

Roommate: “Oh, dear god, I JUST got it!”

(In science class we are talking about the states of matter.)

Teacher: “Can someone give me an example of a liquid?”

Student: “Silk.”

(The whole class laughs.)

Teacher: “So, you’re saying silk is a liquid?”

Student: “Yeah.”

Teacher: “So, if you were wearing a shirt of silk it would just flow off?”

Student: “Yeah.”

(Teacher goes to the storage cupboard, brings out some silk and a stick and prepares a demonstration.)

Student: “No, not that silk. That one that comes from bees.”

Teacher: “You mean honey?”

Student: “Um… yeah, I think it’s honey.”

(Everyone including teacher laughs, that boy’s nickname is now Silky Spano.)

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(I have two books that I am extremely passionate about and have been for years. Our English teacher decides to help us study for our AP exam with a quiz game. She splits us into teams and goes to each one and reads a quote from one of the books we had read over the last four years. The team has to tell her what book the quote was from, who said it, and what it was in reference to in order to get a point. After my team goes, the next team gets a quote from one of these two books. They don’t know the answers, so she moves on to the next team. As each successive team fails to answer, I’m getting more and more excited. She finally gets to the team next to mine, which my best friend is on.)

Friend: “Well, [My Name] is about to jump out of her seat, so it would have to be from [Book #1] or [Book #2]. Since we didn’t read [Book #2] in school, I’m gonna say it’s from [Book #1].”

(Their team couldn’t come up with who said it or what it was in reference to, though, so when the teacher passed the question over to my team, everyone instantly turned to me. We got the point.)