Pre-Order Disorder

, , , , , | Right | January 20, 2018

(It is just after the release of an AAA title. Any customers wishing to reserve a copy usually put down a five dollar deposit and need to have their receipt in order to pick it up on release day.)

Customer: *walks in arrogantly* “I want to pick up a copy of [Title].”

Me: “We would be glad to sell you a copy; however, all of the ones we currently have are for pre-orders only. I’m afraid we have none left for walk-ins.”

(The customer starts arguing, and our pre-order customers are starting to file in behind him. He remains oblivious.)

Customer: “Do you mean to tell me that all copies of that game are reserved? That’s ridiculous! I want you to sell me a copy of [Title] now, or I’ll call your head office.”

Me: *sly wink to the line up* “Sir, if you would like to purchase a copy, then you’ll have to convince one of the 20 or so people behind you to give up one of theirs.”

(The customer turns around and finds himself staring down an angry mob.)

Customer: *pregnant pause* “I’ll, uh… I’ll go and see if [Department Store] has some.”

(I spent the day bro-fisting the line. It was awesome.)

Cancelling Any Attempt At Customer Service

, , , , , | Working | January 20, 2018

(My mom and dad are in the middle of a messy divorce, and to add insult to injury, my dad has moved in with his mistress and is trying to cut all our services: Internet, insurance, etc. So, before that happens, I’m trying to transfer the accounts to my mom’s name so we don’t have to go through the hassle of equipment return and new accounts. I’m working on the Internet service, where this lovely young woman is sympathetic to our situation and is going to switch the names for us; she just needs my mother’s authorization. I ask her, since my mother is busy, if we can call back and have it arranged, and she says it is fine. A phone call later, I have this exchange with this guy.)

Me: “The lady told us we could just call back and get that changed.”

Employee: “I see. Unfortunately, I can’t do that. I can sign you up for a new package, though!”

Me: “Oh. I see. Wouldn’t our services be interrupted, though, and our equipment need to be returned?”

Employee: “Yes, that would happen, but I can get you a great deal on cable and Internet—”

(My mom and I aren’t willing to go through all that just for the same service. We already discussed that if they couldn’t do it we might as well look for another, cheaper provider, because the biggest appeal of staying with them is to not have our services interrupted.)

Me: “Well, actually, if that’s the case, I’m afraid we’re just going to have to cancel our current services and go elsewhere.”

Employee: “No, wait a minute. You don’t need to do all that. I’ve got a great deal here for you guys to sign up with a new plan—”

Me: *trying to be polite* “I appreciate your help. Thank you, but all we wanted was to change the name, so if that’s not possible, we’ll just have to cancel. We aren’t really looking to upgrade or anything like that. We’re happy with our current situation and want to keep it. But if we can’t, then we’ll just find something else.”

Employee: “Now you aren’t listening. I can sign you up for another—”

Me: “No. Thank you. But we really don’t want to do all that. We’ll just cancel and find another provider. Thank you, though—”

Employee: “Look, I’m trying to—”

Me: “Sir, if you can’t help us do what we want, then there’s nothing else to discuss.”

Employee: “Fine. But I tried to help you.”

Me: *losing all patience* “No. Actually. You didn’t, really.” *I hang up*

Should Be Your Blanket Response To Most Decisions

, , , , | Romantic | January 20, 2018

(In the morning:)

Girlfriend: “I was cold last night.”

Me: “Why?”

Girlfriend: “Because you took all the blankets.”

Me: “So, why didn’t you take them back?”

Girlfriend: “Because I would have woken you up.”

Me: *after a pause* “Well, then, you made your choice.”

Have A Go(o)d Day

, , , , , | Right | January 20, 2018

(I am a key holder at a small grocery and retail store. A woman walks up to the cash register to pay.)

Me: “Hi, how are you?”

Customer: “Great! I am good! Life is great!”

Me: “Great.” *starts to scan items*

Customer: “Speak it the truth! Don’t listen to the devil, for the devil will lead you astray. Come unto God and listen to him, not to what the devil must say.”

Me: *stares at her while scanning items, hits total* “Your total is [total]. Thanks, have a nice day!”

Another Customer: “Do you know her?”

Me: “No… I just asked how her day was.”

The Sword Is Mightier Than These Pens

, , , , , | Related | January 20, 2018

(My mother always keeps a mug full of pens by her phone, but it’s always the same thing when I need to write something.)

Me: “Do you have a pen?”

Mum: “Yes, next to the phone.”

Dad: “Good luck.”

(Despite knowing better, I go to get a pen and find it doesn’t work, nor do the rest of the pens in the mug.)

Me: “Do you have any pens that actually work?”

Mum: “What do you need a working pen for?”

Me: “Umm… To write with.”

Mum: “You didn’t say you needed to write something.”

Dad: *shakes his head* “Here, do you want a pencil?”

Me: “Thanks.”

Mum: “I don’t know why he always uses a pencil.”

Dad: “Because none of the pens work.”

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