Someone Listened!

, , , | Right | February 20, 2019

(Our hours don’t really change and we’re only closed for one day a year, and as such, I am prepared for non-religious holidays when banks or the nearby mall are normally closed.)

Me: *picks up a ringing phone* “Thank you for calling [location]. Our hours are ten to nine today. How may I help you?”

Caller: *pause* “That’s what I was going to ask.” *hangs up*

A Bill So High It’s Cartoonish

, , , , | Right | February 20, 2019

(I work in a payment collection call center for a cable company.)

Me: *goes through intro script and reads off current balance*

Customer: “Why is my bill so g**d*** high?!”

Me: “Just a moment, miss. Let me pull up your bill.” *does, and sees a stunningly long list of pay-per-view purchases* “Miss, it seems like the primary contributor to your balance is a large quantity of pay-per-view orders.”

Customer: “What pay-per-view orders?! I didn’t order any pay-per-view stuff!”

Me: “Well, let me read off the order list to you, and tell me if you recognize any of this.”

(I read the list. It’s full of “Spongebob,” “Peppa Pig,” and Disney Princess movies.)

Customer: “Wait. Are you telling me those orders are nothing but cartoons?”

Me: “That appears to be the case, yes.”

(The customer heaves a gigantic, trembling sigh. I brace myself for auditory pain.)

Customer: “Just a moment, please.”

(I hear her put the phone down and dial a cell phone. There’s silence for a moment.)

Customer: “[Husband]? Do you have any idea WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER DID?!”

(Apparently, this customer’s seven-year-old daughter ordered about thirty pay-per-view cartoons without her parents’ knowledge or consent. Needless to say, the customer asked to speak to the billing department.)

A Hundred Percent Should Have Said That

, , , , , | Working | February 20, 2019

(The bank calls the store as my manager is getting ready to open for the day.)

Manager: “[Store], how can I help you?”

Banker: “Good morning. This is [Banker] from [Bank]. I’m calling to let you know that your deposit from last night is one hundred dollars short.”

Manager: *shocked* “A hundred?! There’s no way I would have missed that much of a difference!”

Banker: “I’m afraid so, ma’am. The deposit is one hundred dollars short of the number on the envelope.”

Manager: “But how could that even happen?”

Banker: “Well, ma’am, the hundred-dollar bill from your deposit is, unfortunately, a fake.”

Manager: *pause* “You could have just told me that.”

Can Recognise A Scam in Any Language

, , , , | Legal | February 20, 2019

(I work in a warehouse in Norway. I am doing my usual rounds when suddenly my cellphone rings. I notice on the caller ID that it is a very long number from a foreign country. I answer and, lo and behold, it’s a “your Microsoft Windows has a virus” scam. I am somewhat multilingual; I speak Icelandic and Norwegian, can scrape together Danish and Swedish, and have the bare basics in German. I also speak English, of course, but I decide the unlucky SOB has called the ONE person in Norway who doesn’t speak a word in it.)

Me: *automatically speaking in Norwegian* “Hallo, this is [My name]”

Caller: *very foreign accent but speaking English* “Hello. I’m calling from Microsoft because we have detected a virus on your computer.”

Me: *realizing what it is, does not switch to English and continues to speak Norwegian* “I’m sorry? I don’t understand you.”

Caller: “Ah, do you speak English?”

Me: *switches to my mother tongue, Icelandic* “Is this English? I’m sorry; I don’t speak English.

Caller: “English. Do you speak English?”

Me: *in my absolute worst Danish* “I’m sorry; I still don’t understand you.”

(I quickly whisper to my Danish coworker nearby what is happening and they nearly fall down laughing.)

Caller: “ENGLISH! DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?!”

Me: *pretends like I’m thinking about it, then exclaims in utter joy, in my bad German* “Deutch? Ja, ich sprechen Deutch!”

(“German? Yes, I speak German.” He hung up for some reason.)

Main Street Is For Squares

, , , , , | Right | February 20, 2019

(I am walking when a couple of Americans approach me, clearly annoyed.)

Male Tourist: “Where is the main street?”

Me: “Well, in Italy we do not have a main street as you have in the States. We have a main square, usually, but if you’re searching for—“

Male Tourist: “What do you mean, you don’t have a main street?!”

Me: “I mean that if you’re searching for [Famous Shopping Street], I’ll be glad to give you the indications, but it’s not a main street. The city centre is collocated around [Main Square].”

Male Tourist: “Well, that’s stupid!”

Me: “No, it’s not. It’s just different from the United States.”

Female Tourist: *huffing* “You all should learn from us, you know? A main square makes no sense at all.”

Me: *starting to be a little annoyed at this point* “Whatever. This is how things work here.”

Male Tourist: “Well, it’s still stupid. We do things much better in our country.”

Me: *deciding to leave* “With all due respect, you elected Donald Trump. Good luck!”

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