It’s Going To Take A Winding Route(r) To Get There

, , , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(A customer has just asked me to answer some questions. In Australia, it is still the norm to have data-limited plans for home Internet, although many ISPs sell higher-tier unlimited plans.)

Customer: “So, will this ADSL modem and router give me unlimited Internet?”

Me: “Yes, if you pay your ISP for such a service; the router is not what stops you from getting unlimited data.”

Customer: “So, the router will give me unlimited Internet?”

Annoying The Class For Dummies

, , , , , , | Learning | October 17, 2018

(In my Spanish class, there’s this one student who does a magnificent job of annoying everybody, especially the teacher. Like most classes, this one lets us use the final minutes of the class to start our homework, which for this student is the peak opportunity for attention seeking. One day, I finally get fed up.)

Me: “Shut up, dumba**!”

Annoying Student: “[Teacher]! [My Name] just told me to, ‘Shut up, dumba**,’ and I’m taking offense to that!”

Teacher: “[My Name], in the future, please say, ‘Be quiet, dummy.'”

Nightmare Vacation: The Next Generation

, , , | Related | October 17, 2018

(When I’m eight, my family takes a vacation to the Jersey Shore. We rent a four-bedroom vacation home because there are quite a few people coming: my grandparents, my parents, me, my brother, [Uncle #1], and [Aunt #1], who is pregnant at the time. It’s a little cramped when it comes to bathrooms, but everyone at least has a bed. On the day we arrive, [Aunt #2] calls and asks if she and [Uncle #2] can also come. They’re having problems with their marriage and think a vacation might help. My grandma tells her yes and informs me and my brother that we’ll have to sleep on the couch. Still, it shouldn’t be too crowded. Then [Aunt #2] and [Uncle #2] arrive, but not alone. They also bring along their three children AND one friend per child. This doubles the number of people. Added to this, it starts raining incessantly, meaning we’re all stuck in the house together. In all, it’s sixteen people, four beds, two toilets, and one shower. [Aunt #2] and [Uncle #2] argue constantly, the whole time. Each of their kids finds out that they don’t really like the friend they brought and start fighting with them, as well. At one point, [Cousin #2] tries to pull a mean prank on her friend, but it goes horribly wrong. It ends up with me having some nasty burns on my hands. My grandma is also picking fights with pretty much everyone just because she lives for drama. So, this nightmare vacation has the cranky grandma, the feuding couple, two thirteen-year-old girls in an extended cat fight, an eight-year-old with burnt hands who needs help eating and using the toilet, four boys who are constantly screaming and punching each other, a pregnant woman who needs the bathroom a lot and always finds it occupied, and five other people just trying to survive. We’re there for a week, and it rains the whole time. In the aftermath of the whole debacle, [Aunt #2] and [Uncle #2] get divorced, and there are several family feuds spawned that last for years. Some of them remain unresolved to this day. Now, nearly twenty years later, my mom calls me.)

Mom: “[Cousin #1] is getting married!”

Me: “Oh, that’s great! When’s the wedding?”

Mom: “It’s in four months, and they’re having a beach wedding in New Jersey.”

Me: *remembering last time* “Oh. That’s… nice.”

Mom: “So, your grandma is renting a beach house, and we’ll be staying there with [everyone who was there last time, except [Uncle #2], plus [Aunt #1] and [Uncle #1]’s kids, [Cousin #2]’s husband, and [Cousin #3]’s wife]. Should I tell her you’ll be staying with us?”

(Pause.)

Me: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Hahaha! Ha! No.”

Mom: “What? I’m sure it won’t be like before.”

Me: “Really? So, how many bedrooms are there?”

Mom: *pause* “Four.”

Me: “And bathrooms?”

Mom: “Two.”

Me: “And isn’t [Cousin #2] pregnant?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “And [Cousin #3] is having marital problems?”

Mom: “Yes.”

Me: “Sounds like a sequel to last time: Jersey Shore Nightmare Vacation: The Next Generation. Tell them I’ll pass.”

(The wedding hasn’t happened yet, so I’m waiting to see how it all goes. My brother has also declined the invitation in a similar manner, but everyone else has apparently forgotten how awful it was.)

I Got A Hundred Problems And All Of Them Are You

, , , , , | Right | October 17, 2018

(It’s Sunday, and I’m an hour into a seven-and-a-half-hour register shift. I’ll note that it’s ten am and our customer service counter opened at eight, like every other day, and also, that since it’s Sunday, the bank in the store isn’t open.)

Customer: *holding out a hundred dollar bill* “Yeah, I’ll take a fifty, a twenty—”

(At this point I understand he wants change. I’m not allowed to open my drawer for anyone unless they’re making a purchase and I’m giving change, or if an employee of the cash office needs to take money from my drawer.)

Me: *being polite and smiling* “Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t make change for you. Customer service can, though!” *gestures to the customer service counter up front*

Customer: *looking irritated* “I already went up there! She said she didn’t have enough money and to go to the bank, but they’re not open yet!”

(Obviously, he hasn’t realized yet it’s Sunday and most banks aren’t open, and my coworker obviously was on autopilot. I decide rather than make him more irate and tell him that it’s Sunday and the bank won’t open, I try to explain politely.)

Me: “Sir, I’m not allowed to open my drawer unless I’m giving back change on a purchase.”

Customer: *basically shaking his hundred dollar bill at me* “But I know you have a fifty in there; I saw it!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but my managers have told me I’m not allowed to open my drawer unless I’m giving back change on a purchase. If you buy something and pay with the hundred, I can give you change.”

(I’ll also note our store is big on giving the best customer service we can.)

Customer: *giving me a wide-eyed, frankly kind of scary look* “Is that the kind of customer service you want to be giving?”

Me: *in my head* “Sir, I’d like to help you, but I’m not going to break rules for you and possibly get fired.” *out loud* “I apologize, sir, but there’s nothing else I can do.”

(The guy huffs, spins around, and browses the candy on display by the register before grabbing a pack of gum and tossing it on my belt. I scan his item, he hands me his hundred, and I count out his change and even triple-check because I really don’t want to piss him off anymore at this point. I stick a paid sticker on his gum and hand it and his change to him.)

Me: *as he’s walking away* “Have a great day, sir!”

(He just walked away, all irritated. I even gave him the stupid fifty he saw in my drawer — instead of the normal two twenties and a ten — in his change so he wouldn’t bother me anymore. I later told a manager, and she told me, “Good on you!” because I didn’t give in even though he was being rude.)


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Should Have Said You’re From Middle Earth

, , , , , , | Working | October 17, 2018

My friend and I were in New Orleans for Mardi Gras. We are both New Zealanders. We met up with my American cousin and we were having a few drinks. We went to a different bar, and my friend and cousin went to order.

Shortly afterwards, my cousin came back to me saying I needed to go help at the bar. I went up and saw that the bartender had my friend’s passport and was arguing with her. Turns out the bartender thought it was fake, and was yelling at my friend about how our country isn’t real. I stepped in, showed her my passport, and got the same response. We Googled New Zealand on our phones and showed her, but she still refused to believe that our passports were legit or that New Zealand exists.

We decided to go elsewhere and the bartender wouldn’t give the passport back, still going on about how it was fake. I leaned over and wrenched it off her and ran out before she could call any security. Who knows? The security might never have seen a world map, either!

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