The Tooth Will Finally Come Out

, , , , , | Related | April 25, 2019

This story is my dad’s from when he was about twelve years old. He and his three siblings were home alone on a winter day while their parents were running errands. The four kids decided to have a snowball fight, with a few twists: it was a three-on-one fight, with the three older siblings taking on the youngest brother. To “make it more fair,” the three older siblings would stick to throwing snowballs, while the youngest brother got to shoot at them with an old BB gun. The gun was not powerful at all — according to my dad, you could almost see the BB coming toward you because the gun was so weak — so they thought they would be okay with their heavy winter coats and snow pants, as long as their brother didn’t aim at their heads.

About ten minutes into the snowball vs BB gun fight, my dad popped out from behind a tree and threw a snowball at his younger brother. His brother shot at him, aiming at my dad’s chest to avoid breaking the rule against headshots. The only problem was that my dad ducked.

According to my dad, when the BB hit one of his teeth, it made a sound kind of like a loud bell echoing inside his head. My dad’s tooth broke in half, and the kids naturally called the fight off and went inside to take care of it. When their parents got home and saw my dad’s broken tooth, all the kids lied and said my dad had slipped on the icy driveway and broke his tooth when he fell. Somehow, the parents believed their kids, and rushed my dad to the dentist with no further questions asked.

My grandparents didn’t find out the truth about what happened until almost thirty years later, when my mom casually mentioned the story to my dad’s parents, not knowing that his parents had never heard the true story about my dad’s broken tooth.

Best Not To Log-Split Hairs With This Guy

, , , , | Right | April 25, 2019

Customer: “So, you ain’t got no log splitters?”

Me: “We actually do. We sell 25-ton units and 35-ton units. They’re on display in front of the store.”

Customer: *looking all around, even UP, in an effort to see splitters IN the store* “Where?”

Me: “Sorry about the confusion. They’re outside, in front of the store, lined up on the sidewalk.”

Customer: *still scanning the heavens for, apparently, flying log splitters* “You mean… OUTSIDE?!”

Me: “Yes. Which size were you interested in?”

Customer: “The 20-ton.”

Me: “We actually don’t sell a 20-ton unit, we carry 25s and 35s.”

Customer: “So, it’ll do both?”

Me: “No… they’re two separate units. One does 25 tons and the other does 35 tons.”

Customer: “So, it’ll do 25 tons?”

Me: “They are two separate uni…”

(In my mind I say, “F*** it.”)

Me: “…yes, it’ll do 25 tons.”

Customer: “How much is that one?”

Me: “The 25-ton unit is normally $999, but we have a sale starting this Friday that takes them down to $849, for a savings of $150. However, since you’re here today, I will honor that sale price and let you have it for $849 today, prepped and ready to go.”

Customer: “Well, how much without the prep cost?”

Me: “We actually don’t charge for preparation. We throw that in as a perk to you for buying from us. It’s a value of not having to pay for a bottle of oil or gallons of fuel. When you buy from us, your unit will be ready to leave the store and go straight to the woods to start splitting.”

Customer: “So, how much money does it take off if I don’t have you prep it?”

Me: “Sir, there is no cost for the preparation. We do that for free.”

Customer: “I know; I understand that! But if you don’t do it, how much will I save?”

Me: “You don’t get additional money off if we don’t prep the unit. You would actually be losing value because we are in fact giving you that service for free.”

Customer: “Um… okay.” *still very confused* “So, when does this sale start?”

Me: “The sale doesn’t officially start until Friday, but I will give you the sale price today. It’s a $150 savings.”

Customer: “So, it’s $700?”

Me: “No, it’s $849.”

Customer: “You said it was $150 off!”

Me: “Yes, it’s $150 off the original price, which is $999. $999 minus $150 comes out to the sale price, $849.”

Customer: “Well, when does it go on sale for $700?”

Me: “Sir, it doesn’t go down to $700 ever. Okay, here: the original price of the unit is $999. With me so far?”

Customer: *nods*

Me: “So, the sale price of the unit, which is what I’m offering you today, right now, is $849. That’s a savings of $150.”

Customer: “Okay, so when does the sale start?”

Me: “Friday.”

Customer: “So, I come back on Friday and it’s $849? Will you take any money off if I buy it today?”

Me: *bewildered pause* “If… Yes, sure, I’ll give you a ‘special deal’ of $849 if you buy it right now.”

Customer: “Don’t you have another location in [Town]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Do they carry the same stuff as you guys?”

Me: “Yes, they do; we’re a chain. There might be some variation in inventory, but we carry the same product, yes.”

Customer: “Oh, good. I’m not from around here; I’m just in the area right now. Thanks for all the info; I’ll go up there and pick one up on Friday when the sale starts!”

Me: *face meets palm*

Wrongful Termination Is A Termination Of Sense

, , , , , , | Working | April 25, 2019

At the beginning of the year, we get a new PhD intern who has a rather inflated ego and will try to exert his authority over others simply because they have a Bachelors or Masters. It suffices to say it becomes quickly apparent that he is not efficient, effective, or all that smart as he claims. He ends up costing the company thousands because he refuses to check his work and in his own words assumes it is “perfect” when he gives it to people. It also turns out he is actually a Masters student and not on track to get his PhD, despite explicitly stating he is working on his dissertation. The icing on the cake is that he refuses to work in the office and can’t work more than 25 to 30 hours a week while initially trying to get 50 to 60 hours a week. Long story short: he is unreliable and a chronic liar, but still thinks he is a real prize.

Around this time, we also have a change in management. Without being prompted or even asked, he determines he will take over the weekly meetings. Our boss, deciding to see where this goes, lets him. Note: he is still technically an intern but is insisting to the rest of us — and his money lender — that he is a full-time employee when the managers are out of earshot. The first week’s meeting goes all right, but they continue to spiral out of control from there.

Eventually, he stops showing up to the office altogether, but still maintains he is going there and lies about it, or even claims his coworkers are the ones not in the office. He then spends the next month or so canceling his own meetings, forgetting about them completely, or trying to get other people to cancel for him.

It finally becomes clear to my boss that this guy is straight-up incompetent, but because he is the type that would sue for wrongful termination, my boss still has to make an effort to correct the mistake. This leads to a round of cries from said “coworker” about how he can’t take the abuse any longer and more whining. My boss even schedules for him to attend a seminar, all expenses paid for, to work on his organization. The guy takes it as nothing more than a suggestion — while still in negotiation for a contract. Eventually, after much back and forth and the boss having several people ask him to go, he agrees…. but his girlfriend ends up driving him.

He uses this seminar to try to leverage more power, while still failing at his job, but obviously gets shut down. Still, he is obviously oblivious to the fact he is in deep s*** at this point.

Finally, around Christmas time, someone else is assigned to run the meetings as we haven’t had one in two months. He, of course, is absent as it is “the holidays.” When he comes back, he is relieved! It goes over his head that he lost his “power” because he was lazy.

Yes, he is still working for this company. And I am currently looking for a new job.

Moral of the story: your coworkers may be a hot mess, but if management allows it, leave.

Scamming Is A Social Business

, , | Legal | April 25, 2019

(The landline in my home is never called, except by telemarketers because, in the time of cellphones, I never gave the number to anyone and it’s not even in the telephone books. So, when it starts ringing, I know I’m in for a good time. To the telemarketers, I’m mostly polite and tell them quickly that I’m not interested. The following caller uses an uncommon scam I have heard of. To break it down, they say they are from a charitable organisation and want to sell you stuff, which later is horribly overpriced and mostly cheap crap, if it ever arrives.)

Me: “Hello?”

Scammer: “Ah, hello! My name is [Common German Surname]. I’m calling from the charitable disabled workshop in [Big German City]. We are producing baskets, brooms, and brushes in collaboration with disabled people. This su

(I try to end it politely like with normal telemarketers.)

Me: “Sorry, but I’m not interested.”

Scammer: *derogatory tone* “So, you are not interested in disabled people?”

(Now I know he is a scammer for sure, because he is trying to make me feel guilty.)

Me: “No, sorry. I mean that I’m not interested in buying anything.”

Scammer: *insulting tone* “Oh, now I understand. You are one of those antisocial people! You don’t care for other people, let alone disabled people!”

Me: *fed up* “Yes, yes… If you think so…”

Scammer: *now screaming* “Oh, wonderful! You antisocial piece of s***! People like you…”

Me: *click*

(I later searched the Internet for the name of the organisation. Oh, wonder, they don’t exist.)

That Drove Through One Ear And Straight Out The Other

, , , | Right | April 25, 2019

(It’s about fifteen minutes after closing. All of our exterior building signs, the parking lot lights, and the menu board are turned off, and there are bars over the windows. I still have a headset on because it is the easiest way to communicate with a crew member doing closing tasks on the other side of the restaurant without yelling. A car pulls up and I decide to greet them before they start honking to get our attention, which comes across as VERY loud over the headset.)

Me: “Hi! I am very sorry, but we are closed for the evening. Our store on [Street] is open 24 hours a day.”

Person In Car: “So, that means we can still order, right?”

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