All Hail Emperor Beans

At exactly 9:02 AM, [HR Lady] walks in carrying a squirmy golden retriever puppy in a blanket like she’s holding royalty. His name is Beans, and he’s about the size of a loaf of bread with feet.

HR Lady: “He’s only eight weeks. [Husband] was supposed to watch him, but he’s dealing with a family emergency. Couldn’t leave him home alone. I’ll keep him under my desk, I swear.”

That promise lasts six minutes.

By 9:08, Beans has waddled over to the Finance desk and stolen someone’s highlighter. At 9:11, he belly-flops into the breakroom and starts chewing on the base of the water cooler. At 9:17, someone from Legal is lying on the floor with him, saying, “Who’s a little lawsuit?” 

Every calendar notification that pops up is instantly ignored. 

By 10:00 AM, not a single email has been sent. But the office group chat is flooded with blurry photos of Beans wearing someone’s reading glasses.

The manager finally walks out of her office, holding her mug like she tried to get work done. She surveys the room: three people on the floor, two on cuddle rotation, and one adult human whispering “I’d die for you” into Beans’ ear.

Manager: *Sighs.* “You know what? Fine. Forget the Q3 reports. Today is Puppy Productivity Day. Submit your playtime in fifteen-minute increments. Anyone who doesn’t pet him gets audited.” 

Applause breaks out. Beans sneezes.

Nobody got anything done.

Best workday of the year.

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