The Adventures Of Captain Camp And Mother Russia

, , , , , , | Right | February 20, 2018

(I work for a high-end women’s clothes shop. The anti-theft devices have been playing up, but the head office doesn’t feel it’s an issue as customers haven’t complained about it to them. We have to thoroughly check everyone who sets it off. A woman is walking out with her male friend and the device goes off. I head over for the fifth time today. I greet them both, and we determine it is the woman the anti-theft thing does not like. She has a non-UK accent, but I can’t place it. With her permission, I check through her belongings, but I can’t find anything.)

Me: “Okay, you seem good. I’m just going to put your coat and bag separately through the door, just to check. Then, could you step through, please?”

(I wave both items through and no noise. The woman jokingly takes her shoes off to check, then walks through. Still nothing. The woman is putting her things back on.)

Me: “I am really sorry about this. It’s been misbehaving for a few months now.”

Woman: “It’s fine, sweetheart. These things happen. See you later.”

Me: “Have a good day.”

(The woman goes to join her male friend outside. The alarm goes off. We all look at it.)

Man: “You know what this is, right?”

Woman: “What?”

Man: “Divine intervention. I told you your outfit was whack, and now the door is like, ‘Guuuuuurl, them shoes with that coat?’” *finger snap* “’No, honey.'”

(The woman laughs. I call over to my manager who’s nearby.)

Me: “[Manager], the doors are sassing customers.”

Manager: *holding contact card* “Please could you submit your complaint to [email]?”

Woman: “Oh, we don’t have any complaints; this was funny.”

Manager: *slightly pleading tone* “Please?”

Me: “It must have been a harrowing experience.”

Manager: “Unable to shop without the alarm sounding.”

Man: *catching on* “Being treated like a common thief.”

Manager: “Exactly.”

Man: “Being judged for terrible fashion choices.”

Me: “Yes. You don’t deserve that.”

Manager & Me: “You’re paying customers.”

Manager: “So, please, tell the head office how you felt singled out.”

Man: “Victimised by the doors.”

Woman: *confused* “What is going on?”

Man: “The alarm thing is broken and has been annoying as f***, as a result. Head office ain’t gonna do jack unless customers complain about them.”

Me: “The number is free phone!”

Woman: *laughing* “I’ll complain for you.”

Man: “Same. I’ll also share it with a few friends.”

Me: “Thank you so much.”

Manager: “We are sorry to ask it, and for your random spot check.”

Woman: *now with thick Russian accent* “I ham up accent on phone.” *points to the man* “He will ham up the gay. Use trigger word!”

Man: *very camp voice* “It’s discrimination, darling!”

Woman: “Captain Camp and The Russian Lady will aid you!”

(They leave. A couple of weeks later our anti-theft devices are replaced. Whilst they’re doing the job:)

Manager: *under her breath* “Thank you, Captain Camp and The Russian Lady.”

(When the customers came back, they got the highest discount my manager could give!)

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