Acting Proper-ly Nuts

(I am in college. There are a lot of squirrels on campus and I used to buy assorted nuts to feed them. I have a pocket full of hard shell nuts while I’m at home during lunch break. The phone rings and my mom yells for me to get it as she runs down the stairs. I jump up and jam my pocket against the side of the table -a pocket full of hard shell basically just punched me in my pelvic bone.)

Mom: “Did you get it the phone?”

Me: *cringing, doubled over, and clutching my pocket* “Ooowww, ah ah ahhh…”

Mom: “What’s wrong with you?”

Me: “My nuts! I busted my nuts!”

Mom: “Why can’t you act more lady-like?” *stomps her foot faking a tantrum* “I wanted a real girl!”

Me: *still doubled over holding my pocket* “If I had been a boy, I would’ve just fixed that.”