Acting Neighborly Ain’t Worth Spit

, , , , , , , | Friendly | January 26, 2018

(I am a remote employee, so I work from home during the day. One day, while on a Skype call with my boss and some clients, I hear a knock at the door. I ignore it because this is an important meeting and I’m not expecting anyone or any deliveries, but they keep knocking. Then, eventually, I hear some cheery old woman’s voice.)

Woman: “Hello? HELLOOOOOOOOOO? I KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE! HELLOOOOOOOO? I’M NOT GOING AWAAAAAAAAY.”

(She is also WHISTLING very loudly and shrilly. Annoyed and apologizing profusely to my boss and clients, I run to the door. It’s a little, prim, old woman who looks like someone’s stereotypical grandma.)

Me: “Yes, hello?”

Woman: *beaming* “Hello, dear! I knew I’d get you, eventually. I always do!” *wags her finger at me in what she probably thinks is a playful fashion* “My name is [Woman]. I live over on [Next Street], and I wanted to talk to you about this event before the next community meeting.”

(At this point, still speaking, she begins stepping forward and pushing past me as if she’s going to come in, uninvited. I shift my body to block her in the doorway, and she gives me a startled, annoyed look. She’s holding an armful of printed papers.)

Me: “Now is not a good time. I’m working. I’ll be happy to take whatever documentation you have to review.”

Woman: “Well! The city is proposing that [blah blah, something about a community garden that she doesn’t want because it would ‘attract people’].”

(I keep trying to tell her that I am too busy to listen or talk right now, and she just keeps raising her voice and talking faster. Finally, I get fed up.)

Me: “Okay, if you’re going to be rude, then, so am I, I guess. Have a good day. I have to get back to work.”

(I shut the door in her face. I hear her gasp comically loudly, and then, before I walk away, something that sounds suspiciously like spitting. I yank open the door and she jumps back, looking guilty and shocked that she has been caught. When I turn my head, sure enough, I see that this woman has SPAT a big, gross gob on my front door.)

Me: *yelling, furious* “WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!”

(She literally turned and ran like I had a gun in her face. I never saw her again. People are insane.)

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