Absolution Terrible At This Game

(My friend is playing ‘Hitman: Absolution,’ a video game where you play as a hitman, while I watch and give tips. The game awards you for being silent, stealthy, and killing ONLY your target. My friend is not the stealthy type, and will try to kill everyone he can. He is playing the tutorial mission. He enters the kitchen, waits for the chef to stop talking to a guard, and instead of sneaking by (which is easy, the chef won’t even think of anything) this happens. It is worth noting that there is a scoring system, and points are deducted for killing the wrong person, being seen, etc. and starts at zero.)

Friend: *grabs knife*

Me: “All right, you might need that later.”

Friend: “Should I kill the chef?”

Me: “No, just go through the kitchen.”

Friend: *throws knife in chef’s face, killing him*

(His score is now at -3500 for killing a non-target, killing a civilian, and being spotted. In other words, VERY bad.)

Me: “That was a CIVILIAN!”

Friend: “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry!”

(Later is a mission to kill a man, “king of Chinatown.” Crowded environment, but several ways to kill him, including a sniper rifle, poisoning his food, and pushing him down a hole.)

Friend: “Okay, so how can I kill him?”

Me: “Well, there’s a sniper rifle in one these houses… You can also lure him to his car…”

Friend: “Can I just shoot him?”

Me: “In a crowded marketplace? They’ll call SWAT teams!”

Friend: “I’m going to shoot him.”

(He did so. And actually managed to finish the mission without being filled with holes and only killed one or two cops.)