About To Get Cheesed Off

, , , , , | Right | June 14, 2018

(I work in a bakery in a little village, close to two other bakeries that are quite popular in the UK. A customer and his wife enter.)

Customer: “Could I have a meat pasty, please?”

Me: “Of course. Would you like anything else?”

Customer: “No. Don’t mix up my pasty with the cheese pasty; I’m allergic to cheese.”

Me: “Don’t worry; we store the vegetarian options in a different heater from the meat products, and have to use different tongs so nothing gets passed over.”

Customer: “Good, you don’t want a lawsuit!”

Me: “There we go. £1.10, please.”

(He and his wife leave, only for him to return a few minutes later, screaming while entering the shop.)

Customer: “You daft b****, are you trying to f****** kill me?”

Me: “What?”

Customer: “You gave me a f****** cheese pasty!”

Me: “Impossible, you watched me go into the meat section.”

(I start to look around for his wife, hoping maybe she can calm the situation, when he begins furiously waving the pasty in my face.)

Customer: “I should f****** sue! I’ll own you and everything your family owns!”

(I start to look at the pasty more closely and realise something isn’t right.)

Me: “May I please look at that pasty?”

Customer: “Here you go, you stupid cow.” *throws pasty* “I’m going to want a loyalty card here for life, and free food.”

Me: “Sir, this pasty isn’t from our shop.”

Customer: “Liar.”

Me: “This isn’t the markings we have on our cheese pasties; this is [Competitor]’s pasty.”

Customer: *starting to realise he’s been caught out* “No, definitely bought it from this shop. I’m sure. Look: a loyalty card will suffice, and then I’ll be on my way.”

(His wife then walks in, holding our competitor’s bakery bag and eating a pasty, surprise surprise.)

Me: “Sir, I believe the pasty I served you, your wife is eating.”

Customer: *grabs his wife by the arm and starts to make a hasty exit* “For f***’s sake, woman! I nearly got a loyalty card and free food then!”

(Apparently, he was well known for this tactic, although I don’t believe his wife normally helped his cover.)

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