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A Two Too Much

, , , , | Working | July 24, 2018

(It’s time for my yearly review, so my boss and I sit down to discuss my strengths and weaknesses, on a scale of one to five, as an employee.)

Boss: “Just to let you know, my boss won’t let me give anyone a four or a five. So I gave you mostly threes. Let’s start with your communication; that’s a three.”

Me: *thinking “Why do fours and fives even exist, then?”* “So, how would I get a four or a five? You just complimented me the other day that my etiquette was perfect! If you think it’s perfect, and it’s only a three, what can I possibly do to get a four or a five?”

Boss: “I’ll ask my boss. The next one: following procedures. I only gave you a two for that.”

Me: “A two?”

Boss: *nods* “You’ve documented all the incidents properly, which I noted here.”

Me: “If I documented them all properly, then why am I only getting a two?”

Boss: “Because most of them deal with the same family. It looks like you’re picking on them.”

Me: *fighting the urge to jaw drop* “But they’re in here every day, and they always cause trouble, every day. Just yesterday [Coworker] had to kick them out when the boys started punching each other.”

Boss: “And you both documented it, which was good. But it looks like you’re picking on them.”

Me: “So, what do you want me to do? If they cause problems again — which they will — do you want us to kick them out without making documentation for your boss to see?”

Boss: “Oh, no! You have to document everything properly! We need the paper trail in case anything comes back again.”

Me: “But you know this family. The parents just dump their kids here — five boys, all between the ages of eight and twelve — and leave. The kids run amok. They get into fist-fights with each other, vandalize our equipment, and scream about bombing things around the families who come in with toddlers. Our other regular customers are starting to avoid the center entirely when these kids are there. Just last month, all of them surrounded one of their classmates and were calling him [homosexual slur]; the poor kid was in tears.”

Boss: “I know they can be difficult sometimes, but you just need to be patient. I’m not here a lot of the time, so you just need to keep documenting everything.”

Me: “So, next time they start shouting profanity or singing about [male anatomy], I’ll report it again like I have been doing?”

Boss: “Don’t do that. It’ll make it look like you’re just singling them out.”

Me: “No one else sings about [male anatomy] to the families with babies.”

Boss: “We just can’t have you always picking on them. They’re only kids, after all. You need to be patient. Now, let’s get back to your annual review. I’m giving you a two for following procedures.”

(The ENTIRE rest of the evaluation was every bit as nightmarish. And before anyone in the comments suggests banning those boys, my boss’s boss refuses to, because she pities them for their “bad home life.”)