A Town Of Cry-Babies

(I am a few days short of my due date, and it has been a hot, miserable summer living in a tiny, tiny town. I have been very sick the whole pregnancy, and aside from my stomach, I am quite thin and pale. On this particular day I have a rare few hours where I am feeling good enough to run to the store for some pears I have been craving. As I waddle around the produce section an older woman approaches me and puts her hands all over my belly without even asking.)

Me: “Umm, can I help you with something?”

Woman: *still rubbing my belly and pressing roughly on it* “Oh, you know, I just love babies! Little miracles from God! Darling angels sent to us from Heaven!”

Me: *annoyed* “Not this one!”

Woman: *shocked* “What? What are you talking about!?”

Me: *grinning like a mad person* “This one here is the devil’s baby! That’s right! Why do you think I look like this? He is literally sucking the life and soul from me!”

Woman: *horrified* “I… wha—”

Me: “My sweet little baby, the Antichrist! Can you believe how lucky I am?”

(I start to dig through my purse.)

Me: “Here! I have an ultrasound here somewhere. You can see his cloven hooves and tiny little horns sprouting!”

(At this point the woman shrieks and runs away in shouting about evil women and the end of the world. The other shoppers were too far away to have heard what I was saying and I look over at them innocently.)

Me: “I was just going to show her my ultrasound picture!”

(Within a few hours, the whole town had heard about it, and I received several phone calls from pastors in the area wanting to talk to me about my child. I explained that I wasn’t serious, that I was just tired of people getting into my personal space and grabbing on me, but they were still concerned. About three days later, on my due date exactly, I gave birth to a robust, pink, wiggly baby girl named Lucy (ironic, I guess) who is NOT the Bringer of the End Times. We have since moved to another town, equally as small, but far more accepting and full of good humor. My daughter is now starting middle school and loves to hear the story of how I frightened an entire town.)