A Tortured Road To Friendship

(My good friend has arranged for one of his friends to meet us for dinner. I’m a bit nervous as I’m shy around new people and I’ve heard she’s selective about who she hangs out with.)

Friend: “Relax, you’ll be fine. You two have a lot in common.”

Me: “Alright, if you say so…”

(His friend arrives, and they start talking. I chip in when I can, and slowly get more comfortable with the situation. Then, his friend starts ranting about an awful coworker at her job and the conversation turns to various ways of torturing said coworker.)

Friend: “Bamboo strips under the nails are pretty painful…

Friend’s Friend: “Yes, but I want this guy to die slowly. Strips aren’t lethal. I was thinking about just doing what Poe did and having a blade on a pendulum slowly kill him.”

Me: “Pfft, what you really need to do is truss him up, shove a wooden 2×4 covered in barbed wire up where the sun don’t shine, and drop him into a pit of rats.”

Friend’s Friend: “Wouldn’t the rats chew through the ropes and let him escape?”

Me: “Maybe. But you cover him and the stick in raw meat before dropping him into the rat pit. Munch, munch, munch…”

(There is dead silence for several moments.)

Friend’s Friend: “… I think I like you. What’s your phone number?”