A Spider, A Turtle, And A Possum Go On An Adventure

, , , , , , | Related | September 2, 2018

(While in high school, I date a guy whose mother is an animal fanatic. She is… a character, to say the least. I’m in the car, in the backseat with my boyfriend. His mother is driving, and his brother is in the passenger seat. Suddenly, his mother starts swerving across the road and suddenly pulls over. She jumps out of the car and runs to the edge of the road, searching for something. When she turns around, she has her hands carefully cupped in front of her, a huge grin across her face. My boyfriend leans forward, quickly shuts the driver’s door and hits the lock button. She comes running back, and opens her hands to reveal a HUGE spider. My boyfriend’s brother starts screaming. My boyfriend slightly cracks the window and tells her he will unlock the car when she lets the spider go. She tries to argue with him, insisting that she wants to take “this beautiful girl” home and keep her. After going back and forth for almost ten minutes, she puts the spider down, and my boyfriend unlocks the car and lets her back in. As she gets back on the road, a conversation begins:)

Mother: “I just don’t get why you don’t like spiders, [Boyfriend].”

Brother: *shrill* “MOM! I’m not touching that thing!”

Boyfriend: “I just don’t. Plus, you’re driving, and would have no way to hold it or contain it. And none of us are going to hold it!”

Brother: *collecting himself* “Well, Mom, at least it wasn’t another possum.”

Mother: “Ooh! [My Name], did you hear about that? Did [Boyfriend] tell you?”

Me: “No. Did you find more babies?”

(It’s common knowledge that when she comes across a road-kill possum, she always stops to look for surviving babies.)

Mother: “Well, no. I looked, but I didn’t find any. But possums are marsupials, meaning they have a pouch that they carry babies in. The opening is kind of a muscle, so it’s hard to open it to check on a dead possum. So, I found one of [Boyfriend]’s utility knives in the car, and I had to slice her open. I put my hand in to feel for any babies, but couldn’t find anything. I decided to double-check, and you’ll never believe it! IT WAS A BOY! Not to mention, I couldn’t find any rags or towels in the car, so I had to drive home all covered in blood!” *laughs*

Boyfriend: *quietly to me* “I told her to keep the knife.”

(A few weeks later, she is giving us a ride to school. On the side of the road is a very large turtle, trying to cross. His mother pulls over.)

Mother: “[Boyfriend]! Get out and help me!”

Boyfriend: “Mom, that’s not a box turtle. It looks a bit dangerous.”

Mother: “It’s fine! Don’t worry about it! It’s a snapping turtle. Just grab the car mat to carry it!”

(This turtle is easily the size of the car tire. They go back and forth for a few minutes, arguing. Finally, he relents.)

Boyfriend: “Fine! But only because I don’t want you getting bitten!”

(He grabs the mat, and carefully tries to place it on the turtle’s back, behind its head. It turns its head and grabs the corner of the mat, ripping through both the upholstery AND the thick rubber on the bottom. After it drops the mat, he tries again. Once he manages to get a hold of the shell behind the turtle’s head, he quickly carries it across the road, and runs back. Once in the car:)

Mother: “WOW! What a beauty!” *laughing gleefully*

Boyfriend: “Whatever, Mom. We’re going to be late.”

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