A Snake In Old-Lady Clothing

(I am out walking my dog. My neighbor across the street is an older woman. She’s a very strange ultra-Christian who always makes it a point to try and convert us as we’re new to the neighborhood. She comes up to me and starts talking to me in front of my house.)

Neighbor: “Oh, hi! Your mom mows the lawn, right?”

Me: “Uh, yeah, she does… Why?”

Neighbor: “Well, you see the little grooves between the grass and the sidewalk?”

(I nod, still unsure of what she’s trying to get across to me.)

Neighbor: “Well, today they” *her gardeners* “accidentally cut a snake open who was hiding in one of those little grooves!”

Me: “Oh, that’s terrible!”

Neighbor: “Oh, he’s been out there dying in the road for most of the day, thank the lord! That’ll teach him!”

(I am an animal lover and I can only stare her for a few moments.)

Me: “Oh, that’s really cruel.”

Neighbor: *smiles cheerily at me* “Oh, no, it’s not! Those little things creep me out!”

(She smilingly insisted that. Finally, she walked across the street and turned back to me.)

Neighbor: *screaming this at the top of her lungs* “GOD BLESS!”

Me: “Any particular reason you feel the need to scream that at me?”

(She pretended not to hear me and scurried back inside. She hasn’t talked to any of us since. My mom continues to insist that she’s going to snap and kill us all one day.)