A Shellfish Boyfriend

(I can’t eat seafood, and my boyfriend of two months knows this. It is a few days before my birthday.)

Boyfriend: “Babe, I’ve booked a restaurant for lunch on your birthday.”

Me: “That’s nice of you, but I just wanted to have a quiet day at home. And I wish you wouldn’t call me babe.”

Boyfriend: “But I want to go out for lunch.”

Me: “Alright, where are we going?”

Boyfriend: “[Cheap seafood restaurant].”

Me: “But that’s a seafood restaurant. I can’t eat seafood.”

Boyfriend: “I wanted seafood.”

(On the day of my birthday, I have to drive to his place, and then he drives to the restaurant. We arrive, and I open the menu.)

Me: “Well, at least they have vegetarian options as well. I don’t think I could just eat plain chicken and salad.”

Boyfriend: “Specials are in the back.”

Me: “Can I read the whole menu?”

Boyfriend: “I’d rather you didn’t. Can you just order a special?”

(I give in, and order the chicken and salad $10 special. He gets the same thing. During the meal he tells me he has picked out our kids’ names. I never mentioned wanting kids. The check comes; he looked at it, turns it to me.)

Boyfriend: “That’s $28.”

Me: “I am not paying that. Besides, I don’t have any cash.”

Boyfriend: “They accept card.”

Me: “They don’t split bills.”

Boyfriend: “So, do I need to pay for it?”

Me: “Yes!”

(I broke up with him a couple of days later.)