A-Salted By Stupidity

, , , | Right | August 19, 2020

I’m flagged down by a customer who has been standing slack-jawed in front of the Himalayan salt lamp display for a really long time.

Customer: “Hey, what’s the deal with this? Why the heck are you selling rocks?”

Me: “They’re decorative lamps.”

Customer: *Skeptically* “Say what? How are people supposed to use a rock as a lamp?”

Me: “You just plug it into an outlet and change the bulbs out like a normal lamp?” 

Customer: *Laughing* “Plug in a rock?”

Me: “Uh, yeah. See how it has a cord… and is lit up?”

Customer: “That’s stupid. Why wouldn’t people just buy a normal lamp?”

Me: “Some people think the crystals are pretty.”

The customer has a momentary gleam of shrewdness in his eyes.

Customer: “Crystals?! You don’t even lock them in a case? Shoot, if someone stole a crystal this size, they could pawn it for a mint.”

Me: “Not all minerals are that valuable. These are just big salt crystals; they would melt if you got them wet.”

The customer recoils like a vampire from a crucifix.

Customer: “Oh, h*** no! Is this going to give me a heart attack?” 

Me: “Huh?”

Customer: “My doctor says I need to stay away from salt because my blood pressure is too high!”

I die a little inside.

Me: “It’s a lamp. As long as you can avoid eating it, it shouldn’t affect your health.”

Customer: “Oh, I can’t take that risk! I gotta stay away from salt, and I’ve been standing here this whole time! I got the high blood pressure!”

He approaches me again later, asking if we have any food he can eat — just the vague category of “food”. I try showing him how to read nutritional labels so he can look at what he normally likes to eat and determine whether it will be harmful to his condition. This is complicated by the fact that he is still convinced proximity is a factor.

Me: “See here, how this one says on the front that it’s unsalted?”

The customer takes off down the aisle to what he arbitrarily determines as a safe distance.

Customer: “Oh, my blood pressure can’t handle that! I can’t have no kind of salt, not even unsalt.”

Me: *Calling after him* “Sir, unsalted means there is no salt.”

Customer: “Yeah, and my doctor said I can’t have no salt! I got high blood pressure!”

This went on ad nauseam until I decided he was either trolling or beyond help and excused myself to get back to my tasks.

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