A Rash Decision That Results In No Rashes

(I work in a Thai restaurant, handling the phones for takeout orders. I get a fairly large order, and am reading it back to the customer to ensure accuracy.)

Me: “…and a mild pad-thai, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but could you make sure that the mild pad-thai doesn’t have peanuts on it?”

Me: “Of course. Did you want me to modify anything else?”

Customer: “The dumplings don’t have peanuts, right?”

Me: “No, but the satay comes with peanut sauce. Are you asking because of an allergy?”

Customer: “My girlfriend’s allergic to peanuts, but I think she’s just making it up.”

Me: “Um, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meals, but there are peanut products all over our kitchen. I can’t guarantee that there won’t be any cross contamination.”

Customer: “Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m pretty sure she’s faking it.”

Me: “With all due respect, I’d suggest that you get your girlfriend dinner from another restaurant. Peanut allergies are very serious, and can result in death.”

Customer: “Yeah, but I really want Pad Thai. She’ll be fine.”

(A few minutes later I get another call; this time from the girlfriend.)

Girlfriend: “Hi, I’m sorry to bother you. My boyfriend just placed an order for delivery, and I wanted to make sure that they know not to put peanuts in my meal.”

Me: “I remember your order. This is an allergy issue, right?”

Girlfriend: “Yes. It’s really bad.”

Me: “As I told your boyfriend, I can tell them not to put peanuts in your meal, but I can’t guarantee that there won’t be cross contamination. Peanut products are a huge part of Thai cuisine. Would you like me to change your order to remove your portion of the meal?”

Girlfriend: “What an ass-h***. He’d really risk my life just so he could get some Pad Thai?”

Me: “Well, our Pad Thai is pretty fantastic.”

Girlfriend: “To die for?”

Me: “Well, I wouldn’t go that far. I’ll just go ahead and cancel the order.”

Girlfriend: “No, send the whole thing, I just won’t be here by the time it gets here. I’m breaking up with him.”

(A few days later, I come into work and there’s an Amex Gift Card with a note from the girlfriend.)

Girlfriend’s Note: “To the girl that made me realize what an ass-h*** my boyfriend was: go buy yourself a few drinks on me.”