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A Professor Transplant

| Learning | August 19, 2013

(We have a very important test coming up in two weeks for a class with a notoriously terrible, cruel, opinionated, self-centered, professor, who is on the verge of being kicked out of the university. My two best friends are siblings, a brother and sister. They are in the class with me. I’ve secretly had a crush on the sister since our freshman year of college. Ever since I’ve known the brother, he’s had very serious medical problems that, up until now, have been manageable. But now they have accumulated in the partial loss of function in his one remaining kidney. He needs another kidney very badly. Luckily, he has recently found an anonymous donor, and the surgery is scheduled in four days. The professor has a large calendar on the wall, and if you are going to miss class on any particular day, you have to put your name down on that date, and the reason why down next to your name. The siblings have both of their names down for every day of the week for the next three weeks with the reasons of ‘Surgery’ and ‘Brother’s Surgery’.)

Professor: “[Brother] and [sister], I see you have your names down on the calendar for three weeks’ worth of time. What is so important that you both will be missing my class for three weeks?”

Brother: “I’m having surgery.”

Professor: “What kind of surgery?”

Brother: “A kidney transplant.”

Professor: “And I suppose the three weeks you will be missing my class, you will be recovering from the surgery?”

Brother: “Yes.”

Professor: “And [sister]? I suppose you’re having surgery as well?”

Sister: “No, I—”

Professor: “So, why have you requested three weeks off from my class?”

Sister: “Because I’ll be taking care of him after the surgery.”

Professor: “So, you can’t get someone else to babysit him while you attend my class?”

Sister: “I’m not baby—”

Professor: “He can’t go home and have your parents help him?”

Sister: “We are going home, but both our parents work and they can’t get the time off.”

Professor: “Can’t you drive to school?”

Sister: “No.”

Professor: “You don’t drive?”

Sister: “Our parents live in Chicago.”

(This gets a round of laughter from the class, which annoys the professor a great deal.)

Professor: “Listen up, you little w****! I have provided every opportunity for you to come to my class these next three weeks and you have circumvented all of those chances. Don’t even bother coming to class next week to take the test, because even if you do show up and take it, you and your miserable, freeloading, deadbeat brother will be getting and ‘F’ on it!”

(After that, both the brother and I stand up, ready to beat the professor to a pulp, but the sister gets there first. She vaults over the desk, and quickly walks down the aisle to the stairs, then marches up to his desk. She slams her hands onto his desk and gets right up in his face.)

Sister: “You listen up, you little piece of s***! I have been taking your c*** all semester, and I’m sick of it! My brother isn’t a deadbeat; he’s sick, you moron! And right now, he so sick he needs a new kidney to live! And you know what? I won’t be taking care of him for three weeks! I’ll be in the operating room with him giving him my kidney! So yes, I will be having surgery. One that’s far more important than attending your f****** class!”

Professor: “You f****** b****! Don’t ever come back to my class! In fact, don’t come back to school! I’m going to your dean and having you expelled!”

Sister: “Don’t bother; I’ll go to him myself.”

(The sister walks out of the class. The brother and I look at each other.)

Me: “Get our books. I’ll get her.”

(I run out of the class. The sister is already halfway down the hallway. I have to run to catch up with her.)

Me: “Hey! Hey, stop walking!”

(She finally stops walking, and I’m able to catch up to her.)

Me: “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Sister: “My brother told me you’ve been losing sleep over his surgery. I told you that an anonymous donor had been found because I didn’t want you to have to worry about both of us—”

(She is cut off because I kiss her. After a second or two, I realize what I am doing, and I let her go, embarrassed. We look at each other, and then she kisses me back. Both siblings, a few other classmates and I then go to the dean’s office. We invite the head of the department that our professor teaches under to come to the meeting. We tell them what happened, and the professor is fired on the spot. We get a new, much, much cooler and nicer professor to finish up his class. The surgery goes fantastically. The best part? Our entire class and I video chat with the two of them in the hospital in Chicago to support them as they go into surgery. We all stay and have a party that no one leaves until we all speak to both siblings. Three years later, that same sister that I had a crush on and I have just gotten married!)

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