A Paper Chase

(My family has come down for a vacation, and we have rented a bunch of movies. I’m female, and have invited my girlfriend to come over to watch it with us. We have a very unusual relationship, but most of my family is used to it.)

Girlfriend: “You’re a glass blowing monkey!”

Me: “Them’s sounds like fighting words to me!”

Girlfriend: “A duel to the death it is!”

(We jump over the back of the couch and roll up old newspapers before having a ‘sword’ fight. We’re running all throughout the house, and in front of the television; disturbing the movie. My immediate family are acting as if nothing is happening.)

Cousin: “Is this really happening?”

Sister: “Is what happening?”

Cousin: “They’re tearing through the house fighting each other with newspapers, and you’re all sitting there like it’s normal!”

(My girlfriend and I slap each other in the neck. This usually means we’re both ‘dead’, but she also gets my thumb, which accidentally gives me a paper cut.)

Me: “You’ve got me! It is over; I shall die a slow agonizing death from the wound of a worthy opponent.”

Girlfriend: “It was a fantastic accident! Don’t fret my love; I will carry you on my back to the nearest apothecary and give my own life for yours if I must!”

Cousin: “Really guys? This isn’t weird?”

Father: “Shush! You’re ruining the movie.”