A Nice Dungeon Wedding

, , , , , | Friendly | July 22, 2018

(The cafe I work at has a group of regulars who play Dungeons & Dragons at a corner table in the weekend. It’s generally funny to listen in on the game when it’s quiet.)

Dungeon Master: “The thugs attack you. Congratulations; it’s a bar fight. Initiative, please.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I will hide under the table and plug my fingers into my ears.”

(The rest of the players give her this slightly amused look.)

Girl Playing Wizard: “My character is a bookworm and a coward. Deal with it.”

(Every time she routinely hides during combat — in a wardrobe or a bush, polymorphing into a tree or turning invisible and stomping her feet in place to simulate running away — the group loves it. Later on in the campaign:)

Dungeon Master: *sighs heavily* “The innkeeper’s daughter, charmed and fascinated by your stories, is now in love with you.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Nice!”

Dungeon Master: “She’s sixteen. Her father calls the town guard.”

Guy Playing Bard: “Wait… Oh… What?”

(Cue a twenty-minute discussion about whether the age of consent applies in a largely medieval fantasy setting, before putting it up to vote with us and the patrons listening in. The bard is sent to jail with all votes — jokingly — against him. The adventure moves to breaking the bard out of jail.)

Dungeon Master: “The cell door is locked.”

Girl Playing Rogue: “I try to pick the lock.” *fails*

Girl Playing Wizard: “I think I have a spell for–”

Guy Playing Fighter: “I stuff my stick of dynamite in the lock to blow it open.”

(Total table silence.)

Guy Playing Fighter: “Hey, if it works!”

(Much later in the campaign:)

Girl Playing Wizard: “I cast…. uh… Charm Person on the warlord?”

Dungeon Master: “He throws his axe down and grasps your hand, proposing to you on the spot.”

Girl Playing Wizard: “I try to politely reject him!”

Dungeon Master: “He’s charmed by you, and his behavior hasn’t changed. He grapples you…” *rolls dice* “…and carries you off. That ends today’s session; we’ll pick up next week for the wedding.”

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