A Mite-y Big Problem

(I work in an animal hospital as a receptionist, and answer a phone call.)

Me: “[Veterinary Hospital]. This is [My Name] speaking. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I came there a few years ago with my cat. I also have pet rats and I think I got mites from them. I have lots of bites on me and my skin is very itchy. My dermatologist told me to bring a sample of the bugs to a vet to have them looked at under a high powered microscope.”

(I really wish I could say no humans ever came to us or called us wanting to be treated, and that this man was the first, but I sadly cannot.)

Me: “Oh, umm… well, sir, firstly, we do not treat humans—”

Customer: “I know! I don’t want you to TREAT me. I just want you to look at the mites under a high powered microscope and tell me what kind they are so my dermatologist can treat me!”

Me: “I understand sir, but the veterinarian won’t—”

Customer: “Yes, I know. I just need you to look at them under—”

Me: “I know, sir. But the vet doesn’t treat or research for humans in any way.”

Customer: “But I got them from my pet rats.”

Me: “I understand. But regardless of where you believe they came from, the vet will not look at them. Animal mites do not remain on humans. And your dermatologist would not send you to a vet, because he or she knows vets do not see humans, and he or she should have the means to look at your mites or send them out to be looked at.”

(This goes on for several minutes, and to get him to hang up, I say I’ll give his name and number to the vet, but tell him not to expect a call because she doesn’t work with people. Fast forward to six hours later, when we’re half an hour past closing time, but cannot lock the doors yet because the last appointment is still in the building. A greasy looking man walks in, clothes dirty and disheveled, and he smells faintly of alcohol.)

Customer: “I called earlier to have the doctor look at my mites with a high powered microscope.”

Me: “Yes sir, you spoke to me. I told you not to come in, and that we won’t look at the mites. And we closed half an hour ago so there’s nothing else I can do for you right now.”

Customer: “Is there a school around here where I can use a high powered microscope? Or can you look at the mites for me?”

Me: “No, sir. I don’t know any schools that will allow that, and nor will I look at the mites. I have to ask you to leave, and contact a human doctor.”

(It took a while, but he FINALLY left, still muttering about his pet rats, mites and high powered microscopes.)