A Man With A Van And A Very Bad Plan

(A coworker approaches me.)

Coworker: “Hey you might want to keep an eye on that guy in the scotch section. He just shoved two bottles of [Very Expensive Brand] into his coat.”

(I look over just as the aforementioned customer makes for the door. True to fashion the door sensors go off and he begins to walk faster.)

Me: “Sir… Sir, I need you to come back. Sir!”

(Suddenly a van tears across the parking lot and the customer breaks into a sprint. Someone in the van throws the passenger door open, he leaps in, and the van peels out of the parking lot before I can exit the store. Fortunately for me the shoplifters have made a grievous error: the van they were in had the name of a local plumbing service written on the side, with the full phone number and contact details underneath it. Shaking my head, I go back in and dial the company number, getting an older-sounding gentleman who’s naturally rather upset to hear two employees of his just took part in a robbery and promises to be on the lookout for when the van gets back to his place of business. Several hours later the company van pulls up outside the store again, and out steps a middle-aged man, dragging by their arms the idiots who stole the booze from us.)

Man: “Hey, I’m the one you spoke to. I just caught these disgraces laughing and sharing with the other employees the scotch they lifted from you. I thought it only right that they come down here and pay for what was stolen with their final paycheck before I can their a**es!”

(He shoves the red-faced shoplifters towards my register.)

Man: “Anything you have to say, boys?”

Shoplifter: *whispering* “Sorry.”

(The man places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes threateningly.)

Man: “What was that? I don’t think he heard you.”

Shoplifter: *much louder as he hurriedly hands over the money he owes* “I’m sorry I stole from you, okay?”

Man: “Better.” *to me* “Is there anything you’d like to do in return? Call the police? Press charges?”

Me: “Actually I just have one question: why on earth did you think it was a good idea to use a company vehicle in a robbery?”

Shoplifter: “We didn’t think retail employees knew how to read.”