A Humerus Incident

(I have gotten into an accident with a drunk driver. I have quite a few broken bones. I call home from the hospital with some nurses in the room. I put it on speaker.)

Me: “Hi, Mom, I’m at the hospital.”

Mom: “OH GOD! You were fighting with the police and got hurt, didn’t you? I am not bailing you out, mister! You are ON YOUR OWN!”

Me: “No, Mom, I wasn’t fighting with the cops. More like with the laws of physics.”

Mom: “Well, what happened then?”

Me: “I was driving down Main Street—”

Mom: “You caused an accident, didn’t you? What kind of accident?”

Me: “It was a head-on collision. I’m pretty bad, but the car’s probably totaled.”

Mom: “What did you do to cause a head-on collision? You were texting and driving, weren’t you? What did I tell you about paying attention while driving? You probably hurt somebody! And the car’s a wreck! I shouldn’t have let you drive! Oh, Lord!”

Me: “Actually, Mom, it was a girl driving drunk. She went onto the wrong side of the road and rammed me head-on.”

Mom: “Oh…”

Me: “And she was fine except for a little cut on her head. I, on the other hand, have two broken legs, a broken collarbone, and a broken arm.”

Mom: “Oh, no! My poor baby! I’ll be there as soon as I can. Stay strong, do you hear me? Stay strong!”

(She hangs up, leaving me and the nurses doubled up with laughter.)