A Grumble Pizza

Me: “Thank you for calling [Pizza Place]. This is [My Name]! How may I help you?”

Customer: *speaking slowly in a drunken, raspy grumble* “[Incoherent]… Burritos?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t actually have burritos here.”

Customer: “Aw… Subs?”

Me: “No, sir, I’m sorry. We have pizza, wings, cheese sticks… Things like that.”

Customer: “Oh…”

(Long pause.)

Me: “Would you like some pizza today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeeeeaaaahhhh… What’s the smallest you have?”

Me: “That would be the small. It’s a ten-inch pizza.”

Customer: *grumbles slowly* “Ooohhhhh… I want sausage… pepperoni… and finely-chopped onions.”

Me: “Our onions are actually sliced into thin strips. Is that okay?”

Customer: *grumbles disapprovingly*

Me: *stifling laughter* “So, no onions, then?”

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Nooooooo… Throw some hot peppers on there.”

Me: “Jalapeños or banana peppers?”

Customer: *drunkenly* “Ba-na-na.”

Me: *stifling more laughter* “Anything else on there for you, sir?”

Customer: “Finely-chopped tomatoes.”

Me: “Our tomatoes are diced, so they’re in kind of cubes.”

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Cuuuuubes…”

Me: *trying not to burst out laughing at this point* “Will that be all for you today, then, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

(I manage to get the guy’s phone number and delivery address.)

Me: “Okay, that’ll be [total], and we’ll have that out to you in about 45 minutes.”

Customer: “What’s the price?”

Me: *repeats total*

Customer: *low, raspy grumble* “Ooooohhhhhhh…”

(One of our delivery drivers has been standing next to me during the whole phone call.)

Driver: *laughing* “I can’t wait to meet this guy.”