A Funeral Isn’t Just Horsing Around

(Every year, I attended a Girl Scout camp for horseback riding. When I got too old to be a camper, I am hired as a stable hand, much to my excitement. However, that summer, the camp has a new manager, and she was, in a word, terrible. She fires people left and right for the stupidest things, and sadly, it is soon my turn. I am only seventeen at the time, so my parents have to be contacted. However, they are on vacation, so my uncle has been placed as loco parentis. He is a priest, and his parish is located nearby. When the manager calls his office, this is the conversation she has with his secretary.)

Secretary: “Hello, [Church] offices. How may I help you?”

Manager: “Yeah, hi. I need to speak to Mr. Smith about his niece.”

Secretary: “You mean Father Smith.”

Manager: “No, no, not her father. Her uncle.”

Secretary: “Ma’am, in the Catholic Church, priests are addressed as ‘Father.’ He is not ‘Mister Smith’ but ‘Father Smith.’”

(My uncle’s secretary is very big on protocol, although she’s actually really nice.)

Manager: “Okay, well, I need to speak to him.”

Secretary: “I’m sorry; he’s currently leading a funeral. If this is an emergency, I can take a message for him.”

Manager: “No, no! He needs to come get her NOW. Please tell him to come.”

Secretary: “Ma’am, he’s not a guest. He’s leading the ceremony. It just started and it won’t be over for about two hours.”

Manager: “What?! But he needs to come pick up his niece! He’s her guardian. He can’t leave her here!”

Secretary: “I understand. He informed me of the situation in case you ever called. Is the child hurt?”

Manager: “I can’t tell you that. He needs to come get her! Didn’t her parents go over this with him?”

Secretary: “Yes, ma’am. Her parents did explain the situation to him, but I’m also sure they explained to you that his duties as a priest might cause conflict. Her parents were aware of the risk, and I believe arranged it so that if she was hurt, she would be taken to the hospital and a message left for him.”

Manager: “She’s not hurt!”

Secretary: “Is she in any danger? Was there an accident? Was she arrested and he needs to post bail?”

Manager: “I can’t tell you that!”

Secretary: “Well, you did just tell me she’s not hurt, so I’m going to assume she’s in no danger. In that case, I will inform Father Smith that he needs to come get her after the funeral is complete.”

Manager: “Well, how long will that be?”

Secretary: “As I said before, about two hours.”

Manager: “Two hours! Can’t you tell them to hurry up?”

Secretary: *extremely offended* “Hurry up?! Lady, this is a funeral! A Catholic funeral! Besides the regular Mass rituals, there are certain ceremonies that must be done before the soul can pass on to Heaven. On top of that, this is a person who has just died, and his family is very grieved! And you want me to march in there, interrupting the hymns, stick my face in the Father’s while he’s giving the eulogy, and tell him to ‘hurry up’?! You’ve got some nerve!”

Manager: “But Mr. Smith needs to come get his niece…”

Secretary: “For the last time, he’s Father Smith! And either you are really that damn clueless about Catholics or you’re just plain stupid. Once the funeral is over, which will not be earlier than two hours, I will give the message that his niece needs picking up. He’ll call you when he’s on the way. And don’t get any ideas about calling back to check and see if the funeral is done. He’ll call you!” *slams phone down*

(I didn’t hear about this until after my uncle picked me up. But it explained why the manager came back to the room where she was keeping me prisoner and frostily said that I was going to have to wait. She explained that my uncle was at a funeral and “couldn’t be bothered.” I of course knew he was leading it, and tried to explain, but she still didn’t get it. There is a somewhat happy ending: after I left, she belatedly realized she didn’t have enough counselors, and had to cancel all horse sessions for the rest of the summer. That, and the filled out reports for all of us who were fired, got her fired as well.)