A Fit-ting End To This Less-Than-Neighborly Relationship

I’ve been taking martial arts classes for years. I’m not very good, but I enjoy it and the fitness element is great. Part of the class involves the use of basic weapons — staffs, sticks, nunchucks, etc. — and we are encouraged to buy our own if we want to practise at home. Every week, I take my staff to the car, drive to the lesson, and drive back, and every week, my neighbour heckles and asks the stupidest questions to try to undermine me and my interests.

[Neighbour] is an overweight, middle-aged man who sits outside his house smoking most of the afternoon. He is miserable and a pretty lousy neighbour all round.

Neighbour: “Off to your little fitness class?”

Me: “Yes, [Neighbour].”

Neighbour: “No, wait, you’re little karate boy, aren’t you?” *Laughs to himself*

Me: “Very funny, [Neighbour].”

Neighbour: “Why don’t you take up a proper sport like boxing?”

I stay silent but walk faster across the carpark.

Neighbour: “I was the star boxer. That will get you fit, not prancing about doing stupid flips.”

Me: “[Neighbour], there are people in comas in better shape than you. I don’t want to hear your advice on fitness.”

Thankfully, I reached my car and drove off. I would let off some steam in my lesson, but unfortunately, things got stressful before I even made it home. I returned to find a police car in my parking space.

It turned out that my neighbour told them I threatened him with a weapon. Of course, I didn’t, and I had video to prove it, both on my car and on the carpark CCTV.

I couldn’t press charges, but I did get a type of restraining order in place. He couldn’t go near me or better still talk to me or about me in earshot. It was bliss.