A Feeling Of Wait-lessness

(I, my boyfriend, and a group of my friends go to an Indian restaurant to celebrate my friend’s birthday. After sitting down, and combing over the menu, we make up our minds. A waitress comes over and before we can order, she begins:)

Waitress: “Before any of you order, we are very busy, so you need to order quickly.”

(We are all alarmed as the restaurant is empty. None the less, we begin to order.)

Me: “Can I have—”

Waitress: “Also, we’re only taking drink orders right now! And you’re only getting one bill.”

(Shocked, we place our orders for drinks and the waitress hurries off. Fifteen minutes later, she comes back with our drinks.)

Waitress: “Now, can I take your orders?” *points to me* “You first.”

Me: “May I please have—”

Waitress: “May I recommend the butter chicken?”

Me: “Um, no, thank you. I’ll just have the rogan josh instead. With rice.”

Waitress: “I’m not taking rice or naan orders until later. Now the meals are to share. Who else wants rogan josh?”

Me: “Just me.”

Waitress: “You don’t understand. They’re to share! Who else wants the rogan josh?”

Me: “Just me.”

Waitress: “I can come back if you haven’t made up your mind. We are busy.”

(At this point, we are all getting fed up with her, but we hold our ground.)

Me: “I want the rogan josh. If someone else wants any, then I’ll share, but for now, it’s just for me!”

Waitress: “Fine!”

(This goes on for a while. She does this with every dish, and tries to sell us butter chicken. Finally, we get our orders down and it’s time to order rice and naan.)

Waitress: “Now, who wants rice and naan?”

Me: “May I have some rice?”

Friend #1: *whose birthday it is* “I’d like some too, please.”

Waitress: “Okay. How many bowls?”

Friend #1: “Two, please.”

Waitress: “No! It’s to share! So how many bowls?”

Friend #1: “We’re the only ones who want rice, so two.”

Waitress: “I can come back later. We are very busy.”

(Only one other person has come in and they’re already served.)

Friend #1: “Two bowls. One for her, one for me. If anyone else wants any, we’ll share.”

Waitress: “Fine. Anything else?”

Friend #2: “May I please have some naan?”

Waitress: “How many pieces?”

Friend #2: “…One.”

Waitress: “It’s to share. How many pieces?”

Friend #2: “One.”

Waitress: “You don’t understand. How many—”

Friend #3: “You know what? I skipped my other meals. Give me four pieces!”

Waitress: “Okay, so how many pieces now?”

All Of Us: “Five!”

(The waitress leaves. At this point, we’re all praying for a new waitress while we’re discussing how bad it’s been so far.)

Friend #3: “I ordered the other naan to get rid of her. Enjoy, everyone.”

Boyfriend: “Everything is to share!”

Me: “I know! What would have happened if one of us tried to eat alone?”

Boyfriend: “You’d get turned away.”

(After two hours to get our food, and three hours for the birthday girl, we get our bill. Sure enough, only one, and over $100.)

Friend #2: “Okay, I’m going to figure out who owes what…”

(Using three napkins and a calculator, she is able to determine who owes what, and, happy, we go up to the cashier.)

Friend #2: “We were given one bill, so we figured out who owes what.”

Cashier: “Okay, tell me who’s paying what and—”

(At this point, the waitress comes running out.)

Waitress: “What are you doing?”

Friend #4: “We’re paying. We’re each paying what we owe so it can be fair.”

Waitress: “You can’t do that!”

Friend #4: “Why not?”

Waitress: “You could short change us!”

(The cashier wordlessly takes out a calculator and punches in some numbers.)

Cashier: “Everything matches to the last cent.”

Waitress: “Okay, fine.” *turns to us* “Next time ask for separate bills.” *runs off*

(Nobody tipped her, and the money we had to tip her with went to the cashier. Only when leaving did we realize, to our horror, that we were waited on by the manager.)