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A Fantasy Epic For The Ages

, , , , , | Right | September 10, 2020

I used to work for a customer support line for a large fantasy MMORPG (Massively-Multiplayer-Online Role-Playing Game). To date, this one call I received is the craziest, most epic, most unbelievable-but-true customer experience I have ever received.

A man calls in saying he is having “connectivity issues.” I check his account and his character name already indicates he is going to be a character. It is something like LaDyKiLlEr69, with the studly caps and innuendos included.

Caller: “Yeah, so, I can’t find anyone.”

Me: “So you can’t see other people on the server?”

Caller: “No, I can see other players, but I can’t find my friends. Fix it.”

His tone is blunt and demanding but nothing I can’t handle. I check a few more things and see nothing wrong with his connection, and our service is running fine.

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t find anything that could be causing your issue. Have you tried resetting the—”

The caller interrupts with a laborious sigh.

Caller: “Listen, dear.”

He does not call me “dear” with endearment.

Caller: “Maybe one of your man-agers can handle me from now on. Go fetch one.”

He emphasizes the “man” part of “manager.”

Me: “Sir, I… I am going to login to the game as an admin right now. That way I will see you and your avatar in-game and might better be able to assess the situation.” 

Caller: “Be quick. My friends were talking about doing a raid today and I always carry them through. They can’t win without me.”

I log in and “see” his avatar for the first time. If you’re picturing a frat-boy douchebag named Chad or Brock, well… then you know what he intentionally made his in-game avatar look like. It’s a fantasy world where you can be multiple creatures and genders, with impossible hair and clothing, and he chose to be Chad. 

Not one to dwell too much on preference, I start trying to diagnose his issue. Suddenly, he’s screaming on the phone.

Caller: “There he is! You fixed it! Hey! Come back, f***er!”

Me: “Sir, I—” 

Caller: “I said come back, you r****d!”

I realize he is not talking to me, but to another player’s avatar. I see Chad69 chase down this other player through a part of the game. My omniscient admin-avatar feels compelled to follow.

Caller: “Hey! Why aren’t you talking to me?!”

Me: “Sir, are you talking to me?”

Caller: “Yes, you idiot! I can see my friends but they can’t see or hear me! What did you do to me?! Did you make me invisible, you b****?!”

Me: “Sir, that is not within my power. I think the problem may be—”

Caller: “They’re going into the raid! Oh, f***, they’re all gonna die without me! I have to follow!”

I suspect I finally know what might be happening here. I identify the player that my caller is talking about and check their logs. When players sign up to the game they sign a terms and conditions document that says admins have access to their in-game party chats, so I am allowed to do this.

This other player has been having a conversation with their party in a party-chat. I am a fast reader so I review.

Other Player #1: “Oh, crap. He found me.”

Other Player #2: “I told you we should have all migrated to a different server; he was bound to bump into us.”

Other Player #1: “What do I do? I can’t just keep ignoring him.”

Other Player #3: “Why not? He’ll get the hint soon enough. I know he’s slow but we’ve made it pretty obvious we don’t want him around anymore.”

Other Player #1: “Yeah, but he’s literally chasing me.”

Other Player #2: “Teleport out when you get out of the city.”

I am about to go back to the call to let this guy (who is still shouting at his ex-friends, ignoring me on the phone) know that when it comes to the game, it’s not us, it’s him, but then something is said later in this group chat that catches my attention.

Other Player #3: “That f*** took all my loot in [Raid] and said it was because he carried us through it. Deluded idiot kept getting his a** killed every minute and blaming me for not healing him fast enough! He did not know how to apply buffs to himself; he just runs in and charges!”

Other Player #2: “Well, how about we take him with us this time?”

Other Player #3: “No way in h***.”

Other Player #2: “Listen, let’s bring him along and…”

They start concocting a plan for revenge. The following things happen in quick succession: I end the call with The Chad, explaining that I have helped him find his friends. He grunts and hangs up with all the gratitude of a cat in a bathtub. I then take a quick break and remain logged in, munching the virtual popcorn, knowing what is about to happen. 

The other players welcome The Chad back into their fold and endure his condescending, often misogynistic and racist comments for a while. I witness them start their raid, which involves infiltrating an old castle and defeating some dragons.

True to their earlier description, The Chad is a TERRIBLE player. He plays an attacking type but has zero sense of strategy or defense. He keeps barking demeaning orders to his teammates to heal him and keep him alive while he just hacks and slashes.

The other three players just stand there… doing nothing.

He dies, quickly.

None of them heal him. The three then dispatch the dragon easily and quickly, because they know how to work as a team, even with a man down. Then they approach the fallen body of The Chad, who is hurling insults at them about not healing him and how they failed him.

Then all three characters start dancing; there are many fun downloadable animations in the game. All three start dancing over the fallen Chad, then squatting over his face, then dancing a little more.

They then all simply quit the raid and unfriend him again, leaving him dead on the floor. He eventually signs himself out, surprisingly silent. 

On my last day in that job, I quickly logged into his account to see any updates, only to realize he hadn’t logged in again since that day. I guess even in a fantasy land, you can’t be a racist, misogynistic jerk!

This story is part of our Best Of September 2020 roundup!

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