A Delightful Kind Of Karma Befalls Stupid Criminals

I’ve worked for a woodworking company since I was eighteen. Across from my company is a [Coffee Shop], and every morning and lunch I go there to eat. It’s also where a lot of my friends work.

It’s right at the height of the health crisis, my company is closed, and I’m stuck on a schedule: wake up, go to [Coffee Shop], eat, and that would be the time I would go to work. Now, I just chill at [Coffee Shop] and help out since they were my first job when I was sixteen. This goes on for a week.

I’m exhausted from working at [Coffee Shop]. It’s very different from woodworking; I forgot about that. I’m meditating in one of the lounge chairs they have in the lobby. Then, a woman walks in, places her order, and comes over to me.

Woman: “You can’t be sleeping here. You have to go.”

I am already out of f***s at this point.

Me: “Who are you?”

Woman: “Just get out of the store.”

Me: “No, I don’t have to.”

Woman: “Homeless people aren’t allowed in the store.”

Me: “First—

Woman: “You vagrant! I’m sleeping with the owner. I can call the police and have you removed!”

Me: “Go for it.”

The woman called the police and then told them I’d attacked her. The police came, and before anyone could say anything, my best friend — who is also the owner and loves to be a jerk when presented with the chance — told the police, loudly enough that everyone in the store could hear him, that he thought that the woman was prostituting herself around the [Coffee Shop] property. The woman went white as the police started questioning her. I thought that was it.

It wasn’t.

The woman had a warrant out for her arrest for identity theft, and when they searched her, they found several cards and IDs with other people’s names on them. It was perfect.

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