A Criminal Amount Of Cardio
Theft in our store has skyrocketed lately. People don’t even try to hide it anymore.
The other week, my coworker spotted a woman brazenly stuffing her purse. She actually shows him her bag full of merchandise.
Shoplifter: *In a sing-song tone.* “And you can’t do anything about it!”
She struts out the doors. Our manager watches, sighs, and then says:
Manager: “Right… I’m going on my—” *Finger quotes.* “—lunch break.”
He slips outside. The woman sees him behind her and suddenly bolts.
Shoplifter: “What are you doing?! You can’t chase me!”
Manager: *Picking up the pace.* “Oh, I’m not chasing you. Just out for a leisurely jog.”
Shoplifter: “You’re following me!”
Manager: “Pure coincidence. Lovely weather, isn’t it?”
Shoplifter: “I’ll call the police!”
Manager: “Perfect. Let’s see how that conversation goes.”
The woman panics. Finally, she stops, dumps her entire purse of stolen goods onto the sidewalk, and takes off running.
My manager calmly pulls a folded carrier bag out of his pocket, loads everything up, and strolls back to the store.
Back inside, the staff gather around while he tells the story.
Coworker: “Okay, but… how long would you have followed her?”
Manager: “Until she got home. Then I’d call the police with her address.”
Coworker: “And what if she had a gun? Or a guy at home who’d fight you?”
Manager: “Then yes, what I did was very, very stupid. Never do that. But honestly? Someone stupid enough to brag about their theft in the store wasn’t exactly the criminal mastermind type. She could have just walked out of the store, all quiet like a regular criminal, but she thought that not only could she get away with it, but she could rub our faces in it too. Well, not on my watch.”
All things considered, he didn’t do too badly. He was outside the store for less than twenty minutes, and upper management gave him the simple “just call the police next time” speech.
That customer hasn’t been seen anywhere near our store or the entire strip mall where we’re located, so maybe he scared her off!
