A Billion Reasons Why You Had To Move Out

, , , , , | Related | October 22, 2018

(Like many people, I have a much better relationship with my mom now that we don’t live together. It took time, but we’ve learned to have fun together. As I am about to leave my parents’ house, I mention that my husband has asked me to pick up some lottery tickets when I get gas because the jackpot is up to a record amount. Mom exclaims that she wants to play, too, but doesn’t want to make a special trip to buy tickets because she knows she won’t win.)

Mom: “We can pool and play together! Better odds! I’ll give you $20 to buy more. It’s like $900 million after taxes, so that’s $450 million each!”

Me: “Okay! We were going to play $40 already.”

Mom: “Oh. I don’t want to blow more than $20 on losing the lottery.”

Me: “That’s okay; we won’t win. But if we win, [Husband] and I can get two thirds and you get one third. $600 million and $300 million?”

Mom: “Wait, but I want half… But I don’t want to spend more than $20.”

Me: “We were already going with more.”

Mom: “Hm…”

Me: “Tell you what. We won’t win anyway, but if we do, we can go 50/50. Because one, we won’t win, and two, even if we win, let’s face it: [Husband] and I will probably outlive you, and you can’t spend half a billion dollars before that happens, so we can inherit it.”

Mom: “Oh, but then you’d have to split it with [Brother].”

Me: “And three, I don’t want to be the kind of person who lets being rich destroy my life. I can’t let a piddly sum like $150 million ruin my relationship with my mom.”

Dad: *laughs from the other room*

Mom: “I’ve got it! You get two thirds, I get a third, but when your dad and I die, we leave whatever we didn’t spend to your brother. And you’ll know it’s not because we love him more than you or anything. You’ll just already be filthy rich.”

Me: “Deal!”

(When I got home, I texted her pictures of the tickets with all the numbers, telling her, “This way you know we didn’t lie about losing and take the money and run away to Canada!” She texted back recommending I lock up the tickets in a safe place, then said, “I will never forgive you if we do not win.”)

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