A Bill So High It’s Cartoonish

(I work in a payment collection call center for a cable company.)

Me: *goes through intro script and reads off current balance*

Customer: “Why is my bill so g**d*** high?!”

Me: “Just a moment, miss. Let me pull up your bill.” *does, and sees a stunningly long list of pay-per-view purchases* “Miss, it seems like the primary contributor to your balance is a large quantity of pay-per-view orders.”

Customer: “What pay-per-view orders?! I didn’t order any pay-per-view stuff!”

Me: “Well, let me read off the order list to you, and tell me if you recognize any of this.”

(I read the list. It’s full of “Spongebob,” “Peppa Pig,” and Disney Princess movies.)

Customer: “Wait. Are you telling me those orders are nothing but cartoons?”

Me: “That appears to be the case, yes.”

(The customer heaves a gigantic, trembling sigh. I brace myself for auditory pain.)

Customer: “Just a moment, please.”

(I hear her put the phone down and dial a cell phone. There’s silence for a moment.)

Customer: “[Husband]? Do you have any idea WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER DID?!”

(Apparently, this customer’s seven-year-old daughter ordered about thirty pay-per-view cartoons without her parents’ knowledge or consent. Needless to say, the customer asked to speak to the billing department.)