Please Teach Me How To Ruin Your Business!

, , , | Right | May 25, 2020

I work in a small café that also serves rice bowls for lunch. A customer calls in an order that I have ready when she arrives. The following conversation happens:

Customer: “These are so good. Do you ever teach people how to make them so they can make them at home?”

Me: “Um, no.” 

Customer: “Why not? It would be great to be able to make them myself.” 

Me: “It would be detrimental to business if we taught our customers how to make them. Then no one would come here anymore.” 

Customer: “But I have to drive here from [Town five minutes away]. It would be sooo much easier if I could make them myself.” 

All I could do was facepalm.

The Pie Is A Lie

, , , , | Right | May 25, 2020

I am a baker but I also do customer service. Our bakery does a ton of pickup orders but we also have a selection of ready-made items to buy.

A customer walks in wanting to buy a pie for a birthday that evening. It’s late afternoon right now.

Me: “Hi there. What can I get you?”

Customer: “I wanted to get a pie for my friend’s birthday.”

Me: “Okay, what kind?”

Customer: “What kinds do you have without dairy? He is deathly allergic to dairy products.”

Me: “Well, at the moment, I don’t have any vegan pies, just conventional ones. So they all have dairy in them.”

Customer: “What about just an apple pie? Is there dairy in that?”

Me: “Yes. We use butter in the pie dough. For vegan pies we don’t, but I don’t have any ready-made.”

Customer: “Butter? Butter isn’t dairy.”

Me: “Um…”

I am trying not to be rude.

Me: “Yes, it is. Butter is dairy.”

Customer: “No, milk is dairy. Butter isn’t dairy. Butter is butter.”

Me: “Butter is made from cream. It is 100% dairy.”

Customer:Well, he can have butter. Butter is fine. He is allergic to dairy. So no milk. Does that pie have milk in it?”

Me: “Technically… yes. If your friend is deathly allergic to dairy, then he can’t have any of the pies I have ready.”

Customer: “I said he can have butter. I’ll take the apple pie.”

Me: “Okay. But he shouldn’t eat it. He will die.”

Customer: “He just doesn’t like creamy things, okay? He doesn’t like the custard-y pies. I just wanted a pie with no dairy in it.

Me: “Okay. I’m glad he won’t die.”

Customer: “Yeah, I’m sure you’re really glad.”

She angrily bought her pie and stormed out. After she left, I had flashbacks of working in fast food and customers ordering fries with no salt FOR HEALTH REASONS, thinking they were tricking me info making fresh fries… when they could have just asked for fresh ones. Sigh. Joke’s on them. I ALWAYS forgot to add the salt packets they would ask for.

In Memorial Of Her Brain

, , , , | Right | May 25, 2020

It’s Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. I’m running the smoke shop register when one of my bosses comes up to me from the customer service desk.

Boss: “[My Name], I just spent several minutes on the phone explaining to an old lady that bought a gift card with cash why it doesn’t show up on her bank account.”

Even the customer I was tending to at the moment laughed out loud.

Customers Ask This Back To Back

, , , | Right | May 24, 2020

One of the features of our local home improvement box store is that all of the inventory is stocked on the shelving immediately above where products are displayed for sale.

Every week, a customer looking for something that isn’t in stock will ask me:

Customer: “Can you get one from the back?”

My reply, as I wave my arms to the overstock:

Me: “This is the back.”

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Five Little Cents Of Pure Evil

, , , | Right | May 24, 2020

It’s seniors day at the drug store where I work. Usually, the worst customers are on seniors day, and this one is no exception. I am serving an older woman at the cash register.

Me: “Did you need a bag at all?”

Customer: “Do you charge for bags?”

Me: “Yes, 5¢ a bag.”

Customer: “Hmph, I knew when I saw you; some people are just evil.”

Me: “All the money from the bags goes to [Store] foundation!”

I finished serving her and she left without a bag, but she continued to rant at me about being evil as she left and as she got her stuff together on a bench in the mall just outside the store.

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