Judge Not, Lest Ye Get Jumped

(Our tutor is a Bible-thumping bigot in an all-girls school. She’s just caught two friends of mine making out when she came early to register us and is laying into them. Unbeknownst to the couple, we’ve laid plans for such an event.)

Tutor: “This is a disgrace! It’s an abomination, a sin!”

Friend #1: “It’s none of your business what we do!”

Friend #2: “It’s not against any rules!”

Tutor: “It’s against God’s Law! Leviticus—”

Friend #3: “AND I’m gonna stop ya right there.” *grins* “You’ve got a tattoo. Leviticus 19:28, among others.”

Tutor: “That’s not—”

Friend #4: “Not to mention Timothy 2:9, saying not to wear gold and pearls.” *gestures to tutor’s jewelry*

Tutor: “Well that’s—”

Friend #5: “Oh, and Leviticus 19:19; no clothes of blended fibers which we all know you’re wearing.”

Friend #6: “Are you planning on killing me because I don’t share your faith? I’m Hindu. Deuteronomy, 13:6-10.”

Friend #7: “What about—”

Tutor: “Shut up! SHUT UP!”

Me: “Didn’t your God have some pretty strict rules regarding who was allowed to start throwing stones?”

Tutor: *furious* “GOD D*** IT!”

Me: “Thou shalt not take the Lord’s name in—”

Tutor: “JUST SHUT UP!”