I Will Literally Punch You

(A couple of friends and I are hanging out at my house. While we wait for the pizza to arrive Friend #1 is complaining about being hungry.)

Friend #1: “I’m so hungry I could literally eat both pizzas all by myself.”

Friend #2: “You mean figuratively.”

(About five minutes later:)

Friend #1: “I’m literally about to send out a search party for the delivery guy.”

Friend #2: “Figuratively.”

Friend #1: “If you correct me again I’m going to punch you.”

(When the pizza arrives:)

Friend #1: *to delivery boy* “I literally love you right now!”

Friend #2: “Figuratively.”

(She punched him but only managed four slices before she couldn’t eat anymore.)