They’re Not The Brightest Lava Lamp

(We have several friends over with their computers to play at a networked LAN party. This takes place some time ago, so we’re playing “Duke Nukem 3D,” in which players can jump onto each other’s heads, and lava is deadly. I’m watching one of our friends play while waiting for my turn on the computer, as we have more players than computers.)

Friend: “Aargh! Who’s shooting at me?! Where is that coming from?!”

(He starts running around, neither of us realizing that my husband has jumped onto his head and is shooting at him with a pistol, only doing one point of damage with each shot but panicking him considerably.)

Me: “I can’t see where it’s coming from. Can you?”

Friend: “No! Aargh! I’m dying!”

Me: “Quick, hide in the lava!”

Friend: “Okay!” *He jumps into the lava, where he promptly dies.* “D***! What’s down here?”

Me: *dying laughing* “Lava! I didn’t think you’d do it!”

Friend: “Well, I thought maybe there was a secret door or something!”

Me: “Nope, just lava.”

Friend: “”Aargh!”

(Not fifteen minutes later, my husband is on his head again, plinking away at him.)

Friend: “Augh! What do I do?! What do I do?!”

Me: *laughing* “Hide in the lava!”

Friend: “Okay!” *and he does it again!* “Augh! I’m dying! D*** it, I’m dead! The h*** is wrong with you, [My Name]?!”

Me: *laughing so hard I can barely breathe* “I swear to God, I didn’t think you would do it a second time!”

Friend: “You suck.”