Driving Me To Old Age

(My best friend has poor vision, is terrified of loud noises, is always complaining about something, and gets tired very early in the day. As such, it’s become an inside joke that, despite being 23, he’s secretly 95 years old. We are driving to the mall nearby when we approach a lighted intersection. He starts applying the brake and comes to a stop.)

Me: “Uh… [Friend]?”

Friend: “Yeah?”

Me: “You stopped.”

Friend: “Yeah-huh.”

Me: “The light is green, grandpa.”

Friend: “Oh. OH!”

(He starts driving again and grins at me.)

Friend: “Whoopsie. Good thing no one’s around us, huh?”

(There’s another lighted intersection about 100 yards away from the one we were just at, and unlike the previous one, the light is red. Because he’s still looking at me, he drives right through the red light without stopping.)

Me: *panicked* “[Friend]!”

Friend: “What now?”

Me: “That was a f****** red light you just blew through! Thank god there was still no one here!”

Friend: “Oh. Double whoopsie. Well, not like I can go back and stop at it now.”

(We fortunately make it to the mall without further incident, and after we park he turns to me again.)

Friend: “Jeez, if I’m driving like this at 23, imagine how much of a road hazard I’ll be when I’m ACTUALLY 95 years old. I can’t wait!”