Can’t Extinguish This Friendship

(It’s my friend’s birthday, so her boyfriend has bought her a large ice cream cake. She’s in the living room while he and I are in the kitchen getting things ready. The boyfriend is a bit of a pyromaniac.)

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Shoot. I want to put a whole bunch of sparklers on the cake, but they take so long to light. Here, you hold them all together in a bunch and I’ll light them.”

Me: “Dude, that’s really stupid.”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Fine. I’LL hold them.”

(He discovers that the tips of the sparklers spread out if he holds them at the other end, so he grips them closer. His hand is barely an inch from the lighter.)

Me: “Seriously. This is bad-idea-bears territory.”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Oh, it’ll be fine. See, everything’s— OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!”

(He drops the sparklers on the cake, partially melting it, and runs his hand under the faucet. I can already see a blister the size of a marble growing on his finger.)

Friend: *entering the kitchen* “What are you two DOING in here?”

Friend’s Boyfriend: “Um. Happy birthday, babe.”

(They got married a couple of years later. I wish I could say he learned his lesson, but the maid of honour gave them a fire extinguisher on the grounds that they would need it. They did.)