Unfiltered Story #364048

(I’m travelling with some friends – although we all live in the UK, I’m the only British one. My bed is next to a friend who often tries to make be believe fake stories. On the first night…)
Friend: Night night. Sleep tight.
Me: Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Friend: What? What bedbugs?
Me: Huh?
Friend: Where did you see bedbugs?
Me: It’s a rhyme. You’ve never heard it before?
Friend: I don’t think we have bedbugs in Australia.
Me: You don’t? Is that because all the other animals eat them?
Friend: Now I can’t sleep…
(I try to assure her that there aren’t bedbugs in the room for a while. Eventually we fall sleep. Fast forward to the next night. I’m drifting off to sleep.)
Friend: I should tell you, I’m haunted by a demonic entity.
Me: …Right.
Friend: It’s true.
Me: Is this revenge for the bedbugs?
Friend: No. He’s called Hatman.
Me: Seriously? He couldn’t think of a better name?
Friend: You can google him.
Me: Can I do it tomorrow?
Friend: Fine. But he brings bad luck. Like, I saw him and had really bad luck the next day. And he might attack you while you’re asleep.
Me: Alright.
Friend: That’s it?
Me: …What do I do if he attacks?
Friend: Shout “go away”.
Me: Very useful.
Friend: I feel like you’re not taking this seriously. The others can vouch for me, I got really freaked out when I saw him.
Me: Uh huh.
Friend: It’s true. It really is.
Me: …OK, I have a serious question. If you are genuinely being haunted by a demonic entity which might turn up and kill me in my sleep because I’m near you, wouldn’t the time to tell me have been *yesterday*?
Friend: Well, I was going to. But then you told me there were bedbugs here.
Me: And?
Friend: I was too freaked out.
Me: You were more freaked out by the bedbugs I said didn’t exist than the demonic entity that’s apparently going to kill us?
Friend: Oh, yeah, I’d take on the demonic entity any day over bedbugs.
Me: …Goodnight.
(For the record, neither of us died. Or got eaten by bedbugs)