Unfiltered Story #32671

Suggested Title: A Dyke by any other name would be less offensive.

We have a substitute teacher for our English lesson. She doesn’t know our names so asks us to write them down so she can submit a register for the lesson.

Teacher: *Checking the list* Why, this is offensive! [My name] Dyke!

Me: What?

Teacher *looking at me wide eyed* So it was you! I know some children (we’re all 16) like to play games, but this is derogatory.

Me: That’s my last name, Dyke. You know, like Dick Van Dyke. *half the class nods*

Teacher: This is unacceptable. Come on, we’re going to the headteacher. This kind of homophobia cannot be tolerated, and as a proud lesbian I WILL. STAMP. THIS. OUT!

She literally drags me into the headteacher’s office, and because he doesn’t know my name he instantly takes her side, despite me promising that my last name is in fact Dyke. The sub becomes so irate the headteacher actually agrees to suspend me for the “homophobic” language and has his PA call my parents. Despite me literally saying my name to the PA and her acknowledging it, they don’t clock on.

My dad arrives within half an hour.

Dad: What is going on here? [My name], is this true?

Me: No!

HeadTeacher: I’m afraid it is. You son was found using derogatory language during [teacher’s] lesson. It has deeply upset [teacher] and we are considering permanent suspension.

He hands the list of names to my dad. He scans it.

Dad: I don’t see what’s meant to be derogatory.

Teacher: He used DYKE! Do you know what the word means to a lesbian?

Dad: *takes out his hospital ID* What does that say?

My teacher takes it and mouths it before stuttering a response. I can see sweat forming on her brow.

Teacher: It’s umm. It says D-d-doctor [Dad’s name] Dyke.

Dad: Yes. My name is Dyke. My son’s name is Dyke. My GAY brother’s name is Dyke, along with HIS husband’s. Have you seriously never heard of that name before?

Teacher: I-I didn’t think…

Dad: DICK VAN DYKE FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. You’ve pulled me out of surgery prep accusing my son of homophobia, all over his goddamn name!

HeadTeacher: *now completely pale* It seems there has been some misunderstanding-

Dad: You bet there has. Have you never heard of Dyke before?

HeadTeacher: I have… *looking down to his desk* My apologies. I will drop the suspension.

Dad: See that you do. And if any of you try this bullshit again, I will go directly to [school’s] Board of Directors.

I’m sent back to my lesson, with the teacher appearing briefly a couple of minutes later. She quickly collects her things barely lifting her head to the class. It’s completely silent as everyone watches her. Then as she makes for the door…

Teacher: [My name].

Me: What?

Teacher: … I’m sorry. *runs out of the classroom*

I see her from time to time, but she always looks to the floor when she notices me. I’ve not had a single lesson with her since.

This has been the one and only time I’ve ever gotten in trouble for literally doing nothing but write my name.